Funniest F*cking Google Searches — We’re All Assholes

It’s that time of year — when we look back on the past 365 days and reflect…reflect on the fact that we are — as a collective species — a bunch of douchebags. The Google Zeitgeist list has emerged and, although life as we know it didn’t collapse as the Mayans predicted, we’re still a bunch of loathsome creatures. Let’s just take a look-see, shall we? Here Comes Honey Boo Boo came up as #3 on the Trending TV Shows while Kate Middleton was #2 on the Trending People List and her nipples showed up as a Trending Event (Kate Middleton Pictures Released). This was an election year, right? But who cares about tax hikes, tax cuts, and fiscal cliffs when we have Kate Middleton’s lifeless titties!? America-hating Psy‘s “Gangnam Style” showed up as the #1 Trending Video while cheeky boy band One Direction nabbed the #1 Trending Images. If you are looking up photos of One Direction and are not a ten-year-old girl, you should have to turn yourself into the police.

Google Searches are funny anyway, as I will admit, I rarely clear my history, so I can go back and look at all the ridonkulousness I’ve been searching. My husband and I had a good laugh at my iPhone one day, as I clicked on Safari only to see that my last three searches had been “symptoms of celiac disease, is Ben Affleck Jewish, and ugly Christmas sweaters.” Don’t ask, as my life and my brain are very, very random. Many of my searches begin with “symptoms of,” as the Internet has made me a raving Hypochondriac but, fortunately for me, I’ve also become a doctor. I simply search “treatment of,” and go buy said medicine at Rite Aid — no trip to the doctor needed! Medical degrees are so overrated and expensive. It’s all about Google, baby.

What’s really cool and fucking hilariously amazeballs at the same time is how Google saves searches from around the world and uses them to auto-fill your own searches, leaving you to wonder why — oh why — someone would be putting such queries into the ether. Here are some of my favorite gems:

a funny google search about what if a ginger kid bites me

Run!

I’m guessing it’s a doctor’s visit and a rabies shot. Everyone knows that all gingers have rabies. Be especially wary of redheaded stepchildren.

And another…

funny google search re eleventy

Hmmm…

I sure as hell don’t know. Let’s just start saying it that way now. I can think of onety one million questions that are more intriguing.

funny google question re owning a Canadian

or a Frenchman…now that would make me say “ooh la la.”

Yeah, why is that? I’ve tried to buy Jim Carrey over and over again but, apparently, it’s illegal or some such shit.

funny google question re Chuck Norris

Duh

…out his ass! Seriously, what CAN’T that guy do?

funny google question re: estrogen

There goes the neighborhood!

…and a driver’s license! Holy shit, it’s the trio of the female-led apocalypse!

Okay, last one…I promise…

google comic sans

When in New Times Roman, you do what the Romans do. But Comic Sans sans others is just downright fucking dangerous.

*Photos Courtesy of list25.com

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Comments

  1. KELLI AKA GRABEN says:

    Shit, I just can’t not laugh at your writing! Gets me everytime. Love the use of “douchebags” as it is my favorite word/term, also love the use of “amazeballs” which will become one of my new favorite words/terms. Love this post but…but nothing, it’s great Marnie!

  2. Angela Sousa says:

    I stumbled across your blog when I was googling whether or not the one armed chick on the bachelor had made it through night one (I can’t believe I just admitted I was even googling that)….and I can’t get enough of it! Keep the entries coming, it’s funny and I will be sharing with friends :)

    Angela Sousa
    Boston, MA

    • lbb_marnie says:

      Yes, I reached Beantown! Great to know! Thanks for the online love, Angela! And thanks for spreading the word. I’ll keep the politically incorrect stuff rolling!

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