Girls Are Gassy, Yo

Okay, so it’s my very first post going live on my new and *improved* site, and I guess I should have kept it more classy. But this has been on my mind as of late. The other night, my husband farted (or “tooted” as we say in our house), and it was shocking — not the smell or anything, but just the fact that I heard its oh-so-subtle trumpet from the couch cushions. I say this because I can literally count on one hand the times I’ve heard him pass gas. I thought to get your man card you had to pretty much agree to 25/hour or something. I, on the other hand, shoot myself around the house all day like I’ve got a jet propulsion pack on my back. It provides endless giggles for the boys, that’s for sure.  Sure, I’ve debated keeping this from everyone, as every girl likes to think of her exes checking her out online and thinking she’s still got it going on. A fart admission is not super hot, but I consider this a public service message.  You’re welcome.

This is the odd thing — when I’m really producing some barn burners, it’s mostly during the week when I’m trying to eat healthy — not when I eat greasy, gnarly food with a gluttonous abandon on the weekends. And then there’s the fact that I take a lot of female-only classes at the gym, and I’ve smelled some things in there that could strip the paint off an entire skyscraper.

Here’s where I’m going with this. Girls are gassy. Sure, we may hold it until we feel like the little boy who exploded from eating pop rocks and drinking Coke (love this urban legend) if we’re on a date or at a job interview.  But you get us in an environment where we can pass it off on someone else and it’s on like Donkey Kong.  So the next time you’re in an elevator and it smells like rotten eggs mixed with fromunda cheese, don’t look at that fat, sweaty fuck next to you carrying the Taco Bell bag, k? Blame the skinny bitch on the other side who just downed a black bean and quinoa salad with a kale milkshake chaser. Wipe that smug smile off your face, lady, because we are the Fart Police and we’re on to you.

In the words of those super lame NBC commercials, “The more you know.”  Now pass it on (the blog post, not the farts).

girl exercising

Yeah, I smell it too…must be a sewage plant nearby.

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Comments

  1. Kara says:

    Marnie- I am dying of laughter over here. Your blog is the exact pick me up this stay at home mom of four needs ! More poor kids on the other hand…they get to eat burn chicken tonight because I got “lost” in your gassy post!! Thanks and keep them coming!

  2. Lori says:

    Hilarious Marn…I can’t wait for the next one!! xoxo

  3. SD says:

    Congrats Marn!! Your first post has me giggling! Keep ’em coming!

  4. Dahvia says:

    I am absolutely dying reading this. So true. So damn true. Thank you for making this long overdue admission. Goodness knows it wouldn’t be me! (I debated posting my real name…. some of us aren’t’ quite ready to come out of the closet… no matter how bad it smells.)

  5. Sara says:

    It’s as if you read my mind…or arse in this case. Brava! Keep ’em coming! The blogs (and the farts).

  6. Jenn says:

    Love your first post. Trust me I lost count after the first ten days I met glen on how many times he tooted, as we also say in our house. I have actually met some women that say they have never tooted in front of their husband or boyfriend. No way, all I can say is that they must be so bloated! There is nothing wrong with a little gas and talking about poop. That’s my favorite subject, just as mike dunn. Congrats on the blog, I’m so proud of you.

  7. Michele says:

    Saw this post from my friend Tracy… and now I totally need to buy her a drink as a thank you. Please be sure to update your posts on FB — I’m so looking forward to reading more! I only follow one other blogger (She Who Is Awesomesauce, The Bloggess) and now you are my number 2. Hmmm, that compliment sounded much better in my head, but there you go… Very happy to have found you!

  8. Shawn says:

    I can’t believe that all of this came from me just shifting positions on a leather couch!

    • Megan says:

      I was just laughing so hard that I peed myself, I love it when that happens, too damn often! Love Shawn’s comment too :) Great to be able to read it and laugh, just what I needed. Love ya and great to talk to you–

  9. lbb_marnie says:

    Thx for all the giggles, ladies, and the token husband comment! lol! Love to see you on here, Michele! Hoping I can reach lots of people with all my fart jokes!

  10. lbb_marnie says:

    Oh, and I take the second to Bloggess as a HUMONGO compliment, so thank you!

  11. MissDivaBeth says:

    Marnie,

    I always thought you were a brilliant, funny, witty writer when I first encountered you on the AI site, but this solidifies the fact that you continue to be straight up hilarious!!!!

    I’m SO sharing this!!!!!

    XOXOXOXO….Miss Beth :)

  12. Sheila says:

    Hilarious, Marn.. Great first post!! Cannot stop laughing at this… your the best… ! Miss you!!

  13. Abby says:

    Love the blog! I can also count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard my hubby toot. Yes, we use the word “toot” in our home as well. My daughter (3) comes up to me throughout the day to tell me she just tooted.

    So are we all gassier due to old age, motherhood or what?

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