Goop’s “Ridiculous (and Awesome) Gifts” List: LOLz

Gwyneth Paltrow is so much fun to hate, isn’t she? I mean, the girl runs a lifestyle blog (majorly successful, I might add) without being in touch with anyone. On Earth. At all. Well, besides, maybe Madonna. I mean, the blog is called goop. Isn’t that just precious? She and her (I’m sure fahhhhhhbulously gay … not that there’s anything wrong with that) team of goopers came up with “The Ridiculous (and Awesome) Gifts” and I, for one, would just like to thank her for the Coke that came out my nose when I saw these. I mean, they totally owned that they are ridiculous. That’s like liking something in a hipstery, ironic way, right? G is so cool. Let’s have a look-see, shall we?

goop lounge

Galanter & Jones Helios Heated Lounge, The Future Perfect, $7,900

Ahhh, doesn’t this just make you want to lie down and rest for hours and hours? Especially if you eat a strict macrobiotic diet and your ass is as bony as your great grandma’s arthritic fingers? Seriously, that’d be like lying on a super hard dong and I think I speak for most of us ladies when I say we’d just rather sleep, k? And on something that has some cushion for the pushin’. You know how there’s shabby chic? Well, this is just bus station chic. I don’t care if you heat that shit up. That’ll only make you feel like you’re lying on a warm cadaver.

 goop_dinner bellsModern Dinner Bells, Food52, $60

The best is the goopy caption: “It’s the only way we call our kids to supper.” Supper! I think I’ll save the $60 and just stick with my current and successful method: yelling, “Get your lazy fucking asses off the iPad and eat this shit or there’ll be no Captain Crunch for dessert!”

 goop_mah jongHermes Mah-Jong Set, $46,000

She just wants us to hate her, right? Anyway, you’ll never believe this but … wait for it. No, seriously, you’ll have to wait for this, as there’s a fucking waiting list. Because what else can you do with $46,000? Entire world replies: SO FUCKING MUCH.

goop_ball and chain

Vintage Ball & Chain, Blackman Cruz, $1,500

Because, vintage. This is the perfect gift for that person who doesn’t want to consciously uncouple (thanks for that, G!) when his other person does so he just keeps her tethered to the spidery post in the basement. How very Silence of the Lambs of you, G! It puts the lotion in the basket … oh, and 1500 fucking bucks.

goopd_world view exp

World View Exploration At the Edge of Space, Neiman Marcus, $90,000

The goopers got super cheeky with this and even said that they have no idea what this entails but they, like, so want this. Of course they do! Because they piss diamonds and poop Swarovski crystals. Hey, Neiman Marcus, I already made you my bitch when I got your cookie recipe, ok?

goop_cultivist museum club

The Cultivist Museum Club Membership, $2,500 annually

The only cool thing about this is Gwynnie was able to bring Leonard Nimoy back from the dead to take this photo. He looks like a demented person trying to commit suicide by shaving with a paint brush. You wanna know the sweet, sweet awesome sauce that smothers this deal? You get to skip the line! Squee! Have you ever SEEN a line at a museum? If so, just call me. I’ll fucking throttle those nerds for you and I’ll only charge you 100 smackers.

There are so many more goodies so don’t forget to Goop’s gift list. And I think we can all agree that we can just drop the “awesome” and just leave the “ridiculous,” right?

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