“I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” Said No One Who Was Telling the Fucking Truth

It seems that every time you turn on the news, you hear another story about a woman who didn’t know they were pregnant. They even made a fucking show about it. “I got up one night and thought I was going to have some diarrhea, and out came lil’ John!” I even googled “I didn’t know I was pregnant” and one of the bazillion stories that came up was a recent one about a Michigan woman who had a ten pound baby without having any knowledge she was pregnant. Ten fucking pounds, people! I’ll give that lady a pass as she had been told she’d never have kids, but come on…

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like it’s about time to call these people’s bluff? I’m of the firm mindset that you don’t ask people if they are pregnant unless you see that they’re basically crowning, but how long are we going to let these people pull our collective legs? A ten pound baby is a lot of fucking water retention, folks.

I have my Masters in Psychology, so I do understand the power of denial. I see it at work every day when I try to button my pants and tell everyone I’m still in my 30s. And yet I still don’t get the fact that you can walk around with a gigundo baby in your belly and you, your family, and your friends just think it’s just all your runs for the border.

Let’s not forget the many, many symptoms women experience during pregnancy – fatigue for one. This isn’t a “Oh, I’m going to go to bed early tonight” kind of fatigue, but a bone-crushing fall-asleep-as-you’re-brushing-your-teeth kind of tired, am I right, ladies?

Medicine Plus breaks down the awesome sauce that is vaginal discharge during pregnancy. Sorry for that one, guys (especially how I phrased it). There’s also the uber cool bladder issues. Again, this isn’t the “I drank a 2-liter Mountain Dew during Iron Man and really gotta go” kind of pee. This is like a light, airy sneeze/soaking wet underpants kind of a thing. Let’s not forget the constipation that can occur! Hollah! Hemorrhoids can happen to the best of us, but it’s usually only the pregnant lady who carries a donut with her out to dinner. To borrow a phrase from the Jerky Boys, I remember several times during my nine months saying, “My ass is killing me.”

Moving right along to the nosebleeds and/or bleeding gums. I never got the nosebleeds, but every time I brushed my teeth I thought I might need a transfusion. I remember once eating a pickle and it rubbed against my front gums and a co-worker had to tell me that I had blood running down my face. “Being pregnant is super fun,” said no woman ever.

Shortness of breath and blazing hot heartburn that feels like your insides have just landed on the fucking sun? Check and check. You can’t even sleep towards the end without a pillow between your legs, one behind your back, and one just for kicking the absolute shit out of your husband for knocking your ass up in the first place. At least you can lie there and distract yourself with your searing sciatica and absolutely brutal case of restless leg syndrome.

I left for the most obvious for last. What about the KICKS? You know the ones where you can actually feel a fucking human being inside of you, treating you like you’re one of Mike Tyson’s girlfriends? And sometimes you can see their feet and other random limbs poke through your stomach like you’re starring in a terrifying Sci-Fi movie. Forget everything else, but how do you not see THAT?!

foot poking through pregnant belly

Yeah, that’s a foot. Inside your belly. Hellooooooo?

Does that about cover it, ladies? And I leave you with one shocking revelation: Jessica Simpson knew she was pregnant. So there’s that.

So, yeah, the next time I hear some woman say she went to go poo poo and out came her little boo boo, I’m going to say, “Pull my other leg and it plays Jingle Bells, lady.”

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Comments

  1. Lyndsay Withey says:

    Thank you!!!!! I have seen the show on TLC and thought to myself how can anyone be that out of tune with their body that the symptoms of pregnancy doesn’t wave a red flag for them. I was told that having children would be extremely difficult without medical intervention however as soon as my body started acting weird (you know like the whole missing my period) I took a test and found out hey look Im pregnant.

    Yes I understand some woman with PCOS don’t have periods however that is normally caused by medication they are using to treat the PCOS or they are having regular appointments with their doctor. I know because I did that and even when I wasn’t having a cycle they did pregnancy tests every time I went to the doctor.

    I will give it to the woman who don’t find out until they are 3 or 4 months along. Okay I will accept that but to go into labor without realizing you were pregnant? Come on!

  2. Kerri says:

    Very funny and so true!!!

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