I Think Costco Is Trying To Kill Me

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I may have to break up with Costco. I know, I know, if you’ve been following my blog at all, I talk a lawt about this place, even going so far as to write it a love letter. Everything from the coupons to the bulk food to the free samples makes my nether region tingle with retail glee. But, more and more, I keep having run-ins with people like this beeyatch.

I’m beginning to form a theory, and let me know what you think. I am starting to believe everyone who goes there goes into a horrendously bad mood about ten minutes in, as people start to add up the cost of the shit in their carts. Nothing makes people crankier than buyer’s remorse. You’re going to spend about three-hundo and, unless you’re a trustefarian, that’s gonna feel like a baby rhino coming out of your tooshy once you get to the checkout line.

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The lines for the samples have formed and people start getting aggressive. Another thing I realized about myself yesterday is that I am a sadistic Costco shopper. I cut people off and push my cart very fast, weaving and bobbing, all the while with a smile on my face and spewing a lot of “Sorry, excuse me’s, and thank you’s.” People are so confused by the schizo-ness of it all, they just back the fuck out the way.

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Another thing I encounter there are people who act as though they’ve never seen children before. Like they are tiny alien people who have come to distract them as they try to finnagle their second pig in a blanket. Every time I go to Costco, I bring the boys, so I get a lot of dirty and annoyed looks. There are also a ton of judgy-pants. The last time I was there, I let my wee one ride on that shelf thing under the cart and, hell yeah, it was damn stupid and bit me in the ass. The little dunderhead put his fingers out at one point and I rolled that big-ass cart over them. I picked him up and held him tight as he cried and all the judgy-pants whispered and stared. Perhaps you think I’m paranoid, but I assure you I am NOT (only the voices in my head are).

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On to my story … yes, there is a point! I’ve mentioned before that Target and Costco is like a damn laxative for my kids. Every. Single. Time. I get to the very farthest point in the store and They Have Got To Go. NOW. So we did our usual OJ Simpson airport run through the Costco until we got to the front. This is where it gets interesting, as the last time I did this, I wheeled the cart all the way to the bathroom and henceforth got my hand slapped by the establishment. Oh no, I won’t do THAT again, I thought to myself. So I wheeled my cart to the side and started to walk them back there when a pimply faced teenage checkout guy says, “Lady, you really shouldn’t leave your purse.” So I do what I’ve never done before. I let the boys fend for themselves, telling the older one to help the younger one in the bathroom. I honestly thought he only had do a #1. Of course, I was wrong.

About five minutes later, it’s my turn in line, and I tell said pimply faced teen Costco guy I have to run to the bathroom and help my boys. So I park the cart over to the side AND TAKE MY PURSE. I don’t like getting yelled at twice. I find out about the #2 issue and talk my older boy into wiping younger boy’s buns. It’s a fucking debacle, folks. He finally agrees and, about five minutes later, they emerge, as eldest says, “Mom, it came out clean!” like he just reinvented the gahdamn wheel.

I’m kind of giggling to myself when I walk up and my cart is there, with only my son’s half-drunk smoothie and the case of beer I’d put in there. But the other gazillion items were EFFING GONE! Gone, gone, gone! Poof. Gone-zo. Outta there. Disappear-O. I nearly shat myself, as I tried to keep myself from blowing a gasket right there and driving my cart into pimply faced A-HOLE. I had to shop. At Costco. TWICE. At this point, I knew someone was going to get it, and get it good, as my sanity was hanging on by a very thin thread.

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Needless to say, Customer Service got an earful, and I am pretty sure Costco has joined the universe in the “2014 is going to suck donkey balls for you” master plan. Hrmph.



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  1. Betsy says:

    Dude. That sucks sooooo bad. The Costco I go to actually happens to be Costco headquarters (I mean literally the headquarters).The bad behavior starts in the PARKING LOT. That said, sure you can break up with Costco, but YOU know and I know… you’ll be baaaack. Like the cute, but a-hole, guy in high school, it’s irresistible.

  2. Michael Noble says:


  3. Marnie says:

    Sigh, I’ll be back. I can’t resist the bulk. I’m just a pawn in the Costco chess game.

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