If Dr. Seuss Were A Cranky, Overtired Mom With a Potty Mouth

It was Ted Geisel week at my son’s school this past week. Oh yeah, that’s Dr. Seuss for all those who weren’t required to learn a fact about the famous author. I love that lyrical gangster as much as the next gal but never realized they made such a huge deal about him in school. I thought I’d give rhyming a whirl, Dr. Seuss-style … yet with my own demented, profanity-laced twist. If you’ve ever undergone a major battle getting your kids to eat healthy, you’ll appreciate this all the more:Dr. Seuss hat


Green Food & Fruits

I will not eat green food & fruit

They taste so yucky and make me toot

I put my foot down, yes I do

I’d really rather eat my shoe.


Do not tell me, I do not care.

Just throw them out if you dare.

I’m the boss and what I say goes, 

I’ll toss you out, you mouthy schmos


You should ask if we like them

If they’re good.

You wouldn’t eat them

if you could.


I’m the mom, end of story

Now eat your food

act hunky dory


I will not them in the house

I will eat them with a mouse

I will not eat them when at school

I will not eat them … just be cool.


You little shit,

You little dickhead.

You will eat them

Or go straight to bed.


Don’t stuff them here

Don’t put them there

I will catch you

Because I have eyes in the back of my motherf*cking head, k?


Alright, you got me, 

You’re downright scary. 

I’ll try the veggies

And puke on Mary.


Oh God, they’re awful

Here comes the gas

But I did it, 

So get off my ass.


No more green veggies

And no more fruit, 

Or I’ll leave and take all your loot.


Is that a threat 

Or a promise?

I’ll dance a jig

And live in pure bliss


Just one more thing, 

Just one more lecture,

You can be sure

It’s not conjecture.


Give your mom an ultimatum

And you know she’ll curse and rate ’em

She’s the one to make the rules

So eat your food you three-foot fools

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