I’m Holding On By the Hair On My Chinny Chin Chin

Anyone with a blog knows there’s a fine line between making people laugh and completely embarrassing yourself. But if I’m not completely honest with you, this thing isn’t going to go anywhere. So here goes…

It’s about the bodily — ahem — changes you have after your kid is born. Between the saggy boobs, bad skin, and giant feet (seriously, your feet grow, people), my mantra since having the boys is been “It’s all worth it. It’s all worth it. It’s all worth it.” But there’s one thing I need to get off my chest — can we just talk about the facial hair that comes with the hormones from pregnancy and childbirth? Come on!

I used to work in a nursing home with Alzheimers patients, and it made me sad to walk around and see the ladies with beards that were more robust than most of the shoddy mustaches I saw in Movember. Honestly, I used to think to myself, “I should just bring in an electric razor one day and give these gals some dignity.” Spa day, ladies! I still kick myself that I never did it. Mostly, though, I was left with a nagging thought about how sad it is that elderly women get such bad facial hair.

Little did I know that you don’t have to be really farging old to get that shit. It’s all about the first moment of realization, which for me came one day when I looked at myself in the rearview mirror and saw my great aunt Domenica De Luca. And I don’t have an aunt Domenica De Luca. Because I’m a fucking Mick, which makes this all the more annoying to me. Black Irish, I guess. A pox on my ancestry!

So the plucking journey began. I plucked and plucked and plucked, using one of those brutally honest mirrors that makes you want to cry for hours. And I’d think I’d be done and then find a hair on my chin that could have used a Donald Trump comb-over. Come. Fucking. On.

I finally bit the bullet and began laser treatment, which hurt like hell and takes 6 to 10 sessions. As the lady told me, the lower half of a woman’s face is prone to excessive hormones. So basically my chin is a horny teenager. Are you kidding me? But if all this is what it takes to keep myself from looking like an honorary Sopranos cast member, so be it. Just please — if I’m ever in a nursing home one day — someone please find me and give me a close shave. That’s all I ask.

What bodily changes surprised you after having kids?

I’ll probably get sued for stealing this photo, but it’s just too good…