In Stupid Asshole News: People Are Sewing Patches On Their Tongues to Lose Weight

It’s National Motherfucking Donut Day, people. Yes, that is the unofficial official name for it. In honor of that, I would like to write about a group of douchenozzles that give L.A. and “eaties” everywhere a bad name. I heard about this on the radio yesterday and had to look it up to see if it was true…it’s that ridonkulous.

tongue patch for weight loss

FDA approval? Who needs it!?

*Photo courtesy of Sweet Tater Blog

Some asshat surgeon in Beverly Hills named Nikolas Chugay developed a patch that’s sewn on your tongue and leads to major weight loss in a month. Ya know why? Because it fucking hurts to eat, that’s why! Oh, and it costs a mere two grand.

The plastic patch is the size of a postage stamp and is made of the same plastic that is used to make hula hoops. Hula fucking hoops, people! Sorry, the “f bomb” has to be dropped gratuitously when writing about this topic. The patch is attached to the tongue with six stitches and can cause swelling, severe pain, and trouble talking.

“What’s that you say? You’ve got a mini itch?”

“No, I shaid I’m going to be shkinny, beeyatch!”

As the CBS article I read on it notes, “Because you can only drink liquids, and you stick to a strict regimen, and you can lose up to thirty pounds” in a month.

Ya don’t say!? Drinking only liquids will cause me to lose thirty pounds? No fucking shit, Chugay! You got your M.D. for that, dickbag!?

Without setting foot in medical school, I will offer the following advice for doing the exact same thing in a month:

  • Have someone punch you in the fucking face. Do that anyway because you deserve it, you stupid, vain dumbshit.
  • Put a bunch of legos in your mouth. Don’t ask why. Just do it. You might die but if you’re willing to sew a plastic patch on your tongue to lose weight you kind of deserve it, no?
  • Put a hotpocket in the microwave for ten minutes beyond the recommended cooking time. Eat immediately. No pain, no gain (or no loss, actually).
  • Fellatio. Michael Douglas. Look it up.
  • Eat toilet paper. Models do it! Don’t squeeze the Charmin…just put it in your stupid, tiny gullet!
  • Drink water for a month. BOOM!
  • Eat sushi at a restaurant with a C health rating. Hmmm…good.
  • Find someone with the stomach flu. Make out. Done.
  • Develop a cocaine habit. Side effects: Nosebleeds, heart attacks, and possible death. But you’ll be skinny, beeyatch!
  • Eat like Gwyneth Paltrow. Side effect: You could become an annoying, self-righteous, pretentious asshole, but you’ll be skinny, beeyatch!
  • Go on the celeb diet — ciggies and diet coke.
  • Watch this video of a booger being removed from a man’s nose. You actually may never eat again.
I gave you all that advice for FREE! Actually, you can just buy me a donut later.
I forgot to mention that you can only keep the patch on for month because, otherwise, your tongue tissue will start growing over it. The procedure has not been FDA approved, and you are at “real risk for infections or possibly even permanent damage.”
Say it with me: But I’m skinny, beeyatch! This is why other countries hate us, folks.

 

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