Kim Kardashian’s Kid Komplaints (Boo Freaking Hoo)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Just think, we’ll be “KKK!” Oh, wait…

If you thought Jessica Simpson’s comment that she thought the baby weight would just all go away once her spawn popped out, just hold on to your granny panties, as Kim Kardashian one-upped her with her shtoopidocity. Yeah, go ahead. Look it up. Considering Jessica got prego about two weeks after she popped out baby #1, it’s safe to say that she didn’t know you could get pregnant while breastfeeding. Or pregnant while eating tuna (or is this chicken?). Either way, that girl’s dumber than a bag of stones. But back to the dumber bitch at hand…

First, I must preface this with the fact that I kannot stand Kim Kardashian or her katty, klassless klan of kash-obsessed kreeps. So there you have it. But really, she was recently quoted as saying that she didn’t think pregnancy would be this hard. Awwww. Did you think it would be a party, Kim? Which part? The hemorrhoids, the restless leg syndrome, or the fact that you can’t sleep without sticking a fucking pillow between your legs? Because whoever gave you the impression that having another human being inside you was going to be a big fucking party was lying to you. Maybe it was Bruce Jenner. He has a pretty good poker face, mostly because he hasn’t been able to make a facial expression since 1982.

It’s nauseating to think how many of the publications will pay top dollah for the first pic of Kimyaby. Kash is king. I kan’t stop! We’ll have to ponder the wondrous fucking “k” baby names they’ll surely kome up with. Katarina. Kody. KaleBaby. Komatose. KanKan. They could donate the money they get for the photo to charity. Fuck that — Blue Ivy got a diamond encrusted high chair! Kimyaby will rock a solid gold baby crown!

And, because sister Kourtney gave her first son, Mason, the middle name of “Dash,” you can only guess that the most famous Kardashian will have to one-up her with “Exclamation Point, Bitch!” Dashes are for hesitant pussies who don’t know how to get their point across! BOOM goes your kid’s middle name, lil’ sis! Now go sit down next to your dime store, gold-digging metrosexual boyfriend (husband? Eh, I don’t even care).

Even worse yet, we’ll have to be subjected to the — kaplow pow bam bang — of that already curvaceous body. She’ll bitch about her growing hips and gigantic ta tas as someone mistakes her ass for the cocktail bar at whatever Vegas nightclub has chosen to pay her millions of dollars for being. You know. Kim Kardashian. KOME ON!

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