Merry Fucking Pinteras

It’s that time of year, folks. The holidays are upon us, and I’m an unabashed holiday junkie. It used to be all about fun and frivolity and getting shitfaced while putting up your Christmas ornaments. And then some asshole invented Pinterest. And he recruited a bunch of Pinterest Assholes. And now we’re all supposed to be Martha Fucking Stewart. And the pressure is enough to make us all go apeshit on each other because we didn’t have time to wrap our goddamned presents in twine and raffia with gift tags made of fresh sprigs. I’ve already been combing the place just for shits and giggles, and I’ve shared a few of the doozies (read: lamest fucking things ever) below:

pinterest music ornaments

Fa La La La La, I’ve got no life!

 

I saw these ornaments wrapped in sheet music all over Pinterest last year. Seriously – WTF!? If you’ve got this much time on your hands, I’ll be by later to drop off my ironing (ha! Ironing! Who does that?). Hey, Crafty — Mozart called. He said to get a fucking life.

Pinterest snowman donuts

Look at us! We’re pervy little kid drinks!

Hey kids, doesn’t this glass filled with what looks to be jizz look dee-lish? A straw slides right into this tasty sperm sample. And, hey, Lance Armstrong lent his one powdered covered ball as a garnish!

pinterest Santa strawberries

Go ahead. Just try and shove me into your mouth. Hrmph.

These little fuckers are all over Pinterest, too. I love that I saw in one of the comments, “I’m not sure what the white stuff is but these are really cute!” Hey, I know what the white stuff is! See above. Come on, if you’re going to try and serve me strawberries during the holidays, you’d better fill that shit with chocolate.

Pinterest strawberry Santa cake

If you want cake, you’re going to have to go through us FIRST!

Oh, look, you can put the little fuckers all over a cake, making everyone think you’re a complete douchebag who has ruined a perfectly tasty treat. Yes, leave the green leaves on, too, because everyone loves picking garnish out of their fucking teeth. Moron.

Pinterest Christmas rosette tree

After you’ve spent half your life making this, you can let your cat rip it into smithereens.

Now this shit just makes me mad. A tree made of fucking streamers. Why? Just why? The directions start with, “Cut your streamers into lengths approximately 30 inches long. Fold each piece in half lengthwise, and then fold again lengthwise, as shown.” And then you do this like a bazillion fucking times until you’re hair is gray, your husband has run off, and your kids have been taken by the DCFS. Get a grip, folks. You can buy shit like this at Michael’s for like a buck!

Pinterest sexy Christmas lingerie

I saw Santa kissing a prostitute!

Okay, so this isn’t a crafty thing that makes my skin itch but can we just agree on Halloween as being the one holiday where it’s okay to dress like a fucking whore? Please, people, it’s Christmas. Let’s keep this above board.

Pinterest DIY felt pinecones

“I think I’ll spend the night making felt pinecones,” said no one who has a fucking life.

Pinecones. Covered in felt. ‘Nuff said.

Pinterest Xmas trees made of fruits and veggies

“You be the first one to try it.” “No way, man, you do it.”

In case you lost your game of Jenga, you can make it out of food! Just don’t be the first asshole to pull out a cucumber and have the whole thing collapse. Don’t be THAT guy. FAIL.

Pinterest reindeer pancakes

Because life isn’t complicated enough.

“Yeah, yeah, Mom, just serve the fucking pancakes already, will ya?”

Pinterest reindeer cupcakes

Try NOT looking like an asshole eating one of these guys.

Oh My Gah, this is LIKE so cute. I hope I have the extra hour it takes to deconstruct this and actually eat it.

Pinterest candy cane sleighs

Oh this little thing? It was nothing!

Yeah, I’m going to need to know who brought these to the party so I can immediately punch that person in the genitals.

As a bonus, I’ve decided to include one that I can actually see myself doing:

Pinterest coffee creamer snowmen

Oh, wow, did you do these yourself? They’re “breathtaking.”

Now this shit is good. So, so good.

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Comments

  1. morgan says:

    Lance Armstrong’s one powdered covered ball. I think I just pissed myself. So…craft night is at your house this week?

  2. Christina "Obie" Oberman says:

    OK….now I know I’ve wasted my entire life studying economics when I could have been using a cucumber in a more creative way….like making a Christmas tree. After looking at all those crafty crafts I’m sure I could have made my money using empty toilet paper rolls somehow…..anyone have any suggestions?

  3. Betsy says:

    I think the christmas tree made of salami put me over the edge. Thank you for this!!

  4. this is HILARIOUS!!! Thank you for the laughs!

  5. Shannon5757 says:

    “It used to be all about fun and frivolity and getting shitfaced while putting up your Christmas ornaments. And then some asshole invented Pinterest.”

    Amen, sister. A-fucking-men.

  6. dp says:

    I had to stop reading to wipe the tears from my eyes. That was a simply ah-mazing read.

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