News Flash! Celebu-babies Are Going to Grow Up And Be Gigantic Assholes

In case anyone was wondering whether we are raising a bunch of self-entitled marshmallows, the answer is a resounding “yes.” It hit me when I read this article about the obnoxious milennials who have decided it’s okay to bring your parents to an interview.

“Hi, It’s nice to meet you. Do you like my nice, firm handshake and direct eye contact? I’ve been working on them. Oh, and this is my mom and dad.”

*PUNCH*

It’s hard enough for regular folks to raise kids who aren’t total pansies these days. Let’s face it, folks. Times are scary, and we are coddling our kids because bullying has gotten downright frightening. I’ve gotten off track, though, as the point of my post isn’t nearly that deep. I just need to say something and say it loud:

CELEBRITIES ARE RAISING A BUNCH OF DICKS WHO ARE SURE TO RUIN THE WORLD

I remember ages ago reading about Shaq throwing his son a million-dollar birthday party. A few years later, I read an article about Suri Cruise, and how she would be shown a toy catalog each night so she could circle every item her midget asshole heart desired. Gee, that’s going to end well. Oh, wait, it didn’t? Your parents got divorced and you were shown throwing fits in every store around town until your mom smartened up and hid you from the public until you could control yourself? Yeah, that’s right.

Fast forward to today and Kimye threw their obnoxious spawn a music festival. Called Kidchella. You know, like Coachella, where all the celebrities go and act like douches as everyone else pretends not to let their crotch sweat reach their hipster sandals? I’ll relent and even admit that it’s kind of a cute idea if you were going to throw it on a normal scale. But you’ve met those two shit-bricks, right? Kim’s job is taking selfies of her massive bandonkadonk that I think might actually be housing a small family under those super tight pencil skirts. Of course, if she realized said homeless people were squatting under her giant ass, she’d evict them immediately because ain’t nobody got time for that. Kanye has perfected his apathetic face while spouting off shit about being ┬ámore important than Jesus. Or Yeezus or whatever the fuck he’s talking about these days because he sure as hell isn’t making music. Not that anyone misses it.

Wait til you see what's in the middle of the cake! It's the tears of clubbed baby seals!

Wait til you see what’s in the middle of the cake! It’s the tears of clubbed baby seals!

Photo credit: Instagram

Here’s what E! Online said about the nauseating shindig:

“Guests were given a wristbands upon their arrival and enjoyed food catered by Wood Ranch Grill. Attractions included a karaoke stage, a Ferris wheel and a bouncy house. Teepees were placed around the yard, and children were given moccasins and leather fringe outfits, while the girls were also given leather fringe bags. The kids also received Yeezus T-shirts.”

“Sweet! A Yeezus T-shirt,” said no one ever.

Kardashian fans (seriously, they are out there and they are frightening) will tell you that it’s all relative and “to each his own” and I need to mind my own beeswax and all the other krap these krazy people think but the straight truth is this is SO ridiculous. Aside from the million dollar gold-plated photo album they’ll give her at her sweet sixteen birthday on her cruise through the French Riviera (adorbs!), she’ll have no memory of this ridiculously expensive affair. Zero. Zilch. In fact, when her brain turns to mush from turning into a drunken coke addict with all of her other private school buddies while she pisses into plants as her entourage looks on (sound familiar, you stupid punk, Justin Bieber?), she might not even remember her own parents. Yeezus, now THAT’S scary.

Listen, I know that the $600,000 gold rocking chair that Queen Beyonce and Jay-Z got for daughter Blue Ivy is a drop in the bottomless bucket but these people do realize there are other things they can do with their money, right? Like really important shit? I mean, they do watch the news, don’t they? I’m not going to get all righteous and shit but just think about that for a second. $600,000. On a rocking horse. It doesn’t even go anywhere. Even the rocking horse hates itself for rocking back and forth like a demented rhesus monkey.

That’s my thought for the day. The Kardashians are ruining the world, one baby at a time.

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. shannon5757 says:

    Maybe Kim is hoping that if she buys enough for their child, it’ll distract North, or South (or whatever the hell direction they named her) from the fact that the only reason Mommy became famous is because she let a semi-famous guy have sex with and pee on her while filming it.

  2. Marnie says:

    She must be so proud. LOL!!!!

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