One Mom Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: My Summer Diary

If you’ve been following my blog this summer, you know that my time at home with the boys has mostly sucked giant gorilla testicles. I was thinking about it, though, and it didn’t really start that way. I had a lot of hope, and then life happened. So I thought I’d share a little diary with you peeps on what has gone down at Hot Mess Headquarters. The summer started out as a juicy filet and ended up a giant shit sammich.

Day 1
It was so nice not having to make everyone’s lunches and rush out of the house. I could get used to this! The boys are getting along great.
Day 2
It’s only day two and the house already smells like a urinal cake. Guess we’ll have to work on target practice! What to do … what to do … the world is our oyster!
Day 5
I just realized I scheduled one boy in the morning for camp while the other one goes in the afternoon, leaving me no alone time. Silly me! Oh well, I’ll get more quality one-on-one time.
Day 7
The boys’ fights are getting bad. Will have to buy stock in Band-Aids and ice packs. I’m having trouble getting any work done with all the noise. It’s still fantastic not having to rush out of the house, though. Gotta look on the bright side (amirite?). I just wish they’d stop asking me what we’re going to do today. And for all the water requests. And for all the snacks. Isn’t it enough that I have the pressure of all three meals? Need wine.
gif_wine bottle
Day 10
The fighting has reached a new level and my hair is beginning to fall out. Maybe it’s a thyroid issue? Guess I picked the wrong summer to phase out the babysitter (and to stop sniffing glue). One-on-one time is very overrated. Can six and four-year-old boys have PMS? I think we are all on the same cycle and we are out of peanut butter cups. I need a care package filled with ding dongs and Boone’s Farm. Anyone? Anyone?
Day 20
Send help. I haven’t had any alone time in over two weeks and I think I might run away. Very, very far away. I have stopped fighting the urinal smell. I’m pretty sure my hair and clothes smell like it, and I no longer care. Pee pee. Pee pee. They’re coming to take me away, ha ha! Oh, please, tell me they are.
Day 25
Considering re-hiring my babysitter (full time) and wine time has now begun really, really early. It’s noon somewhere, right? Is there such a thing as Wine of the Day Clubs? At least the weather’s beautiful.
Day  35 
Enough with the f*cking heat already. Between the urinal smell and my perpetually sweaty clothes, people are avoiding me at the grocery store. On the bright side, I use the express checkout for my 140 items. Suck it, fellow shoppers!
Day 50
My spirit is broken. When does school start up again? I need a bloody.
Day 60
I’ve now divided the house into zones – Mom’s Zone and Kids’ Zone. If they pass into mine, I will shoot first and ask questions later. The boys are beginning to favor their father. Eh, more power to him.
Day 75
Mom Zone is now 99% of our house and I still have claustrophobia. Do they give medical marijuana for this? It seems pretty serious to me.
gif_anchorman
Day 80
Pee smell has permeated our food, or so it seems. I’m not really sure any of this real anyway. On the bright side, the boys now get their own water. I may have lost my shit on that matter. Okay, I did. Most of us have stopped wearing clothes, as it’s Africa hot and we have no AC. It’s like Lord of the Flies around here, and I never, ever, ever get the conch. Boys love to touch their things. A lawt.
Day 90
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Is that hope I feel or just the tingling of dirty laundry on my skin? Either way, I’ve never been so excited to go back to school shopping. Pencils? Hells yeah? Pencil case? Don’t mind if I do! I’m going balls to the wall on the crayons, baby. It’s like Christmas in August, only I’m a hollow shell of a homeless looking mother and not Santa Claus. I do have a beard, though.
Pop the champagne, bitches, it’s almost the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!
gif_xtina gaga
So, how was your summer? Well, I’m waiting…
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