I Was Grabbed By The P*ssy, Mr. Trump, and I’m Forever Haunted

me

This, by far, will be the hardest piece I’ll ever write. Much harder even than my post on divorce. I am crying as I even begin to type it. I have never wanted to write about it until now for fear of the repercussions. What I’m talking about is assault and sexual harassment. I guess the reason I’ve been so afraid of writing about it until now is that I dared to sue my assailant years ago, and when I {Read More}

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Marnie.

Mama's Boys

Religion of the organized variety has been a sore subject for me for the past few years. I guess to explain why this is so I have to go into my background. I grew up Catholic, and pretty staunchly so. My parents didn’t try to scare me fire and brimstone style, but we rarely, if ever, missed mass. Of course, we went with wet hair and never got a seat because that’s just how my family has always rolled. We’ll {Read More}

Poop Water: A Story of Hot Tub Phobia

underwater

I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat. Well, a boat. Just one boat … anything to keep me from submerging. You see, I really enjoy being atop the water and water adjacent but, as summer comes to a close, I’ve decided to own that I have a pretty severe case of Hydrophobia, or fear of the water. When I was little, I would swim from morning until night, and would even complain when my mother would drag me out of {Read More}

10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette”

Chad

Let’s talk about sex, baby, and some dictators, of course. Because, well, The Bachelorette. Oh man, this season has it all. The villain who’s gotta vill. The mighty douchey underdog. And a sidekick Canadian. So much promise! But here’s what I learned from watching last night’s episode: 1. As if we couldn’t have laughed hard enough just watching Chad and Daniel grunt and groan as they lifted weights like Hans and Franz, Chad actually gave us this little gem: “I {Read More}

For the Love of the Game

Braves group

My oldest son has been playing baseball for years now, and the really special thing is we’ve managed a way to keep a few of these kids on the same team. It’s been amazing to watch them grow together and really gain an appreciation for the sport. But something really amazing happened this year. They got good. Like, really good, at a sport they love. Each of them seemed to grow in the off-season, and we were amazed to see {Read More}

Thank You Notes – Mother’s Day Edition

Kristen Bell meme

Have you ever seen Jimmy Fallon’s Thank You Notes? Well, I’ve decided I’d like to do a Mom’s edition in honor of Mother’s Day, with my tongue planted firmly in my wine-filled cheek. Join me, won’t you, in thanking all the things/people we have to deal with as mothers? Thank you to… Timehop – thanks for turning us mothers into a puddle of tears while trying to perform our daily tasks. It’s not embarrassing at all ugly crying at my desk {Read More}

8 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelor”

Lauren B. and Ben Higgins. Photo: Levy Moroshan/ABC

Ahhhh…the “Meet the Family” episode of The Bachelor. It’s usually my favorite, as it’s chalk-full of more cringeworthy moments than a Trump rally. Last night’s episode, however, left me completely unenthused. Don’t get me wrong – these people were weird, alright. Just not fun weird, and therein lies the problem. Either way, here are 8 things I learned from last night’s episode of The Bachelor: 1. The obligatory running-on-the-beach scene with Amanda’s kids was as awkward as everyone could have {Read More}

9 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelor”

ben higgins

Er. Mah. Gerd. The Bachelor is heating up despite Ben being about as edgy as a cotton ball due to the women going FULL CRAY. We’re talking stage five clingers here, folks. Here were my nine takeaways from last night’s doozy of an episode. What were yours? 1. If you chose to drink every time anyone said “amazing” or “connection” or “amazing connection” last night, you’ll be sicker than that time you thought it would be fun to drink an entire bottle {Read More}

10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelor

twins from The Bachelor

As per usual, the geniuses at ABC have found a sufficient amount of borderline insane chicks to make the show entertaining despite Ben being a giant piece of milqtoast-y poo poo. I can only hope that ABC asks the real Peter Brady to come on the show so he and Ben can f*ck with the girls on who is the REAL Ben Higgins. Maybe there is no real Ben Higgins! Have you ever seen him and Peter Brady in the room {Read More}

Things The Elf on the Shelf Would Say

elf porn

It’s that time of year again. You find yourself in one of three camps as a parent: The No Elf Family (mad props, yo). The Reluctant Elf Family (forgets to move the damn thing every day; this is my camp). And the Balls-to-the-Wall Family. This post is for you ballers, as the things you do with that elf are astounding and, frankly, a little disturbing. And, you know what, if the Elf on the Shelf could talk, I think he’d have {Read More}