Pinterest Assholes

I said “Pinterest Assholes,” not “Pinterest, Assholes,” so don’t get your panties in a bunch. Eh, I guess it’s offensive either way so carry on. It’s just that I have such a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. First of all, I wish I had more time to pin my life away. As it is, the few times I allow myself the time to go on there, I’ve lost about seven hours and I’m craving some sort of pastry filled with cream cheese. It’s highly addictive and can lead to very low self-esteem, especially if you’re like me and are the living, breathing antithesis of Martha Stewart. I am NOT crafty, yo. Just the term acronym “DIY” is enough for me to break out in itchy hives. Many times, I leave my time on Pinterest filled with self-hate, knowing I’ll never design my own comfy patchwork socks or create a coffee table book made of my kids’ crappy artwork. Yeah, I said it. It’s crap. And Pinterest kills my waistline, as I usually walk away from the computer and make a beeline to the fridge, where I smother some sort of carb in butter and cheese while mumbling something about “fucking homemade Christmas decorations.”

I’ve picked three things from there that I saw recently to give you an example of my venom towards this site:

1. Cupcake Tree

Pinterest cupcake tree

It’s a tower! It’s Marge Simpson’s hair! Nahh, it’s a cupcake tree. What are you, stupid?

Have you ever seen the visions of transfat that they call cupcakes at the grocery store? They’re really fucking good, k? So that’s what I usually buy when I have to bring sweets to a party. I don’t get out my 12-piece pastry design set, and I certainly never, ever think of creating dessert foliage. If a tree falls in the forest and then someone eats all the cupcakes, would anyone hear me screaming? It’s deep, guys. Very deep. Whoever did this needs to find a hobby. Or a job. Or a job and a few hobbies. Maybe her hobby is cupcake trees? If so, I would really hate her.

2. Ornament With Shredded Wedding Invitation Inside

pinterest ornament wedding invitations

Remember my wedding invitation? Here it is again, inside this annoying ornament!

Okay, so I get that it’s a novel idea, but as you’re sitting there cutting up your wedding invitation just so, possibly considering giving them out as stocking stuffers, don’t you have even the teensiest feeling that you are the most self-absorbed person in the world? I mean, you’ve got to, right?

3. DIY Fabric Peonies

pinterest diy peonies

It took me five hours just to top your gift! Punch me in the face, please!

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Why? Just why? First of all, I had to google “peonies.” Seriously. I guess I should have realized they were flowers, as there are at least 25 steps with photos to accompany this project. I had to scroll down to the end, which took a few minutes, just to see what the end game was for these things. And ya know what? It’s to top gifts. Ya know what’s also neat? Bows. Fucking bows. They sell ’em at Target, the best place on earth. Do I even need to point out that the person is lightly burning the edges of these at one point during the process with a tea light candle? When one of the steps to your DIY nonsense is lighting that shit on fire, it’s time to throw in your homemade, all-organic towel.

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Comments

  1. Deb says:

    I’m still stuck on those cupcake trees. You know, you could also do that by making a cone out of rice krispie treats, icing it with white butter cream, then putting white chocolate stars on it. Then all you need is a food color air brush and you can paint it any color that would match your decorations. Or, if all else failed, green.

    And I did it without pictures!

  2. Rashel says:

    Yes! Who are these people that have time to do this? Are they on welfare so they have endless time to sit and craft and then document their crafting? How long, in hours and minutes, does it say it takes to make three of your own peonie gift toppers? If you even get a card from me, consider yourself really lucky (on a side note, I FINALLY remembered to get a card with my gift for Lia’s birthday, so that was like the closest to Martha Stewart I’ve ever come, but Randy forgot to pull it out of the Target bag when he went to wrap the gift (I can’t be expected to get a card AND wrap the gift myself or show up on time to the party to make sure said card was included!)] so that blew my one shot at being anything like the lady who made the cupcake towers.

  3. First of all, I don’t have time to waste on Pinterest. I have more important things to do like waste my time elsewhere. Pinterest reminds you of how un-Martha Stewart you are, but it also reminds me of how much I need to start putting on makeup again – all the tips on how to apply eyeshadow or other shit make me remember the effort I once used to apply to prettying myself up.

    I don’t understand any of the three examples up there. The third one is the one that really bothers me. If someone spent that much time and took that many steps to make something to put on top of my present, I would not be flattered but scared for their sanity. Anything with more than 2 steps is too much, I think.

  4. Kimberly Morris says:

    I am quite positive the peony maker might be a heroin junkie, and not only had extra tea lights, but the need to do something with their hands between hits, which would also explain with the sugar on the cupcake trees….sugar fix to curb the need to chase the dragon. Which would possibly make the peony maker a little less offensive, no? Yah, probably not.

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