Sean Lowe is Our Next Bachelor…ZZZZzzzzzzzz

Sean Lowe

Sean Lowe, The Next Bachelor (Flavor: Vanilla Bean)

Well, Bachelor fans — in the least exciting news since ABC decided little Ricki was TV-worthy, Sean Lowe has been declared the next Bachelor. Yawn. I’ve been looking for an all-natural sleep remedy so this plus several bottles of wine should do the trick.  I wasn’t all that excited about the possibility of Roberto, either, but when push comes to shove, at least we had a little backstory on him. Sean and his milktoasty good looks and all-American attitude should be the equivalent of watching a lame duck session of Congress. ABC’s only real hope is to comb the mental hospitals for those about to be released, as we know that sweet kid and his Eddie Haskall manners can’t bring the drama. Alas, I will leave it to the experts, as they somehow managed to turn douchey Ben into a guy that women actually fought for — miracles never cease, folks!

I hadn’t even known Ryan Lochte was in the running, but Olympic swimmer-cum-Gazillionare-OneNightStander apparently wanted 750K for his role on the show.  How’s that for true love?  And we all know that the cheap asses over at ABC balked at that amount, as they somehow manage to only scrape together 250K for the winner of Bachelor Pad.  We all know that the ensuing therapy after one ruins one’s reputation and has squandered any remaining self-respect by boinking other contestants and carrying watermelons on your cans* is going to cost a whole shitload more than that.

And what of the rumor mill saying that he whom I adore, Chris Harrison, was pushing for some fresh meat around town? Well, I guess that would require legwork on the part of the producers, and they probably spend most of the off-season treating themselves for STDs they picked up from the cast.  Oh well.

Eh, I don’t know why I complain anyway, as the fact that I’ll be sitting my big, flat ass on the couch come January, conditioned to be excited over this ridonkulous show like one of Pavlov’s fucking mutts, is as certain as death and taxes.  ABC – 1.  Me – Big Ole Donut.

What say you, B-fans?

*This has never actually been done, but it’s only a matter of time.

Picture courtesy of The Bachelor Facebook Page


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