Step Away From the Glue Gun: A Teacher Gift PSA

ecard teacher gifts

Word to your mother (if she’s a teacher)

You’ve seen my posts about Pinterest — how it has ladies feeling funny “down there” and the “Pinterest Assholes” you see on there quite often who live and die for DIY. I hate them. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest, so when I was cruising around on there last year looking for teacher gift inspiration, I decided to open the conversation up on Facebook. And I have many teacher friends. Ya know what they ALL said? Take that homemade shit and shove it up your ass. Okay, maybe they didn’t say it exactly that way, but that’s the general gist. So I wanted to pass along this helpful information to you. That coffee cup with your child’s photo superimposed? Give that one to Granny. Grannies love crap like that. And that flowerpot signed by your son — gasp, he knows his letters, and it’s all because of YOU — file that under “shit no one wants to see — like — ever.” Just step away from the fucking glue gun, k? No one’s saying that these people don’t love our kids. I truly think they do — well, most of them. No one likes the booger picker with the sassy mouth, and there’s one of those in every class, but I digress. But just because these people take tender care of our wee ones during the day doesn’t mean they want to take home something with his or her picture on it.

Okay, on to homemade food. No, no, no. Fuck no! Everyone should live by my brother’s rule — you don’t know them? You don’t know their kitchen, or the 12 cats that nestle there in their litter boxes? Just don’t eat it. So that also means you don’t pass it along to other people, k? I think I’ve mentioned before — I’m beyond sanitary when cooking and baking. I clean my hands with the precision of a surgeon, but does my son’s teacher know that? For all she knows, I’m playing Angry Birds on my cell phone, wiping my ass, and then cleaning the bowl with my fingers. Ewwww. What’s that, you say? But Little Lucy helped you to bake the cookies? All the more reason to Keep. That. Shit. At. Home. They’ve seen all too often where Little Lucy puts those fingers during story time.

Teachers work their tails off for far too little money. They clean some of our kids’ asses. And change their underpants. And resolve fights. And teach them to read. And wipe tears. And, as we’ve seen far too often, some have even give their lives for our kids. So I’ve got two words for you: GIFT CARDS (or cold, hard cashola). Live it. Learn it. Love it. Then pass it on.

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