Ten Parenting Techniques You’ll Probably Recognize

I’ve been a parent now for almost five years and I’ve found that I use some of the same parenting skills over and over. I’m going to share some of mine below. Let me know if you recognize any:

1. The Denial: It ain’t just a river in Egypt. This is when you realize you’ve made a huge mistake by bringing your children somewhere totally inappropriate for them…like the time I took them to Anthropologie, and they were putting underpants on their heads and running through the aisles like wild indians. You keep a safe distance from them while giving the look to other moms that says, “Who would bring their kids to ANTHRO? Puhlease.”

2. The Pick and Roll: That’s when one parent gets home and tries to shield you so you can get out the door without everyone falling to pieces so you actually get some shit done for once. Actually, I haven’t used this one for a while, as my kids could care less when I leave these days.

3. The See No Evil/Hear No Evil: This is where you’ve completely checked out and are one tantrum away from running into the middle of the street yelling “My kids are the spawn of Satan!” You barricade yourself somewhere in your house, usually the bathroom, armed with a gallon of Chunky Monkey while wearing noise canceling headphones and rocking back and forth like a rhesus monkey.

child's hand under bathroom door

Oh, hell no!

4. The Regression: This is where you’ve reverted to treating your kid like your sibling when you were growing up. You’ve begun to repeat everything they say until they cry their eyes out, and then you take their hand and slap them. “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” It’s shameful but, then again, there’s no parenting handbook.

5. The Ring Of Fire: This is where you’ve just totally lost your shit and all sense of composure. Your former notion of never yelling has gone so far out the door, it’s actually not even in country anymore. You yell and yell and yell until fire comes from your nose. You might even throw something or kick something. It’s not recommended but you can be damn sure those kids won’t do whatever they were doing again.

6. The Catholic Guilt: “I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.” You know the one.

7. The Shame Spiral: Your kids have made you so mad, you decide to get even by embarrassing them. You know it’s not right, but you can’t help yourself. You call them one of your schmoopy nicknames or pull out the big guns, like getting something off their face by licking your thumb and then wiping it. Every mom has done this.

8. The Laissez Faire: This comes on a really bad day when you’ve been handed one too many boogers, changed one too many poopy diapers, and have considered getting “Stop hitting your brother” tattooed on your ass. You’re at your wit’s end, and decide you need to let yourself off the hook in every way. Your kids are playing on the iPad while watching TV and playing with matches and eating ice cream and using your phone while wearing their Halloween costumes and dying the dogs’ hair. Shit has gotten real.

9. The Stink Eye: This one has to be practiced and practiced until you get it just right. Once it’s perfected, you can scare the shit out of your kids with just one look. It’s like magic.

10. The Faye Dunaway: Everyone remembers “no more wire hangars!” This is where you flip the fuck out over something totally irrational, like the fact that your kids didn’t eat their corn or they forgot to say “thank you.” This one usually comes after you’ve had no sleep or break from your child in like a bazillion days. Time for a vacay. It’s not effective and usually rolls right into the Laissez Faire.

Recognize any of these? What are some your techniques?

 

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Comments

  1. Shannon5757 says:

    I tend to resort to the ‘ol time-tested standby of “That’s it….JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME.” Results are 50/50 but by that time I’ve exhausted all other avenues and I’ve started to not give a shit anymore. {*see Laissez Faire}

    Side note: I’m still working on “The Stink Eye”, but I’ll keep ya’ll posted.

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