Ten Things A Mother Should Tell Her Son (Not Really)

Mom and SonThere have been many lists that have circulated the internet like “20 Things a Mother Should Tell Her son,” and they’re usually quite touching with a sprinkling of schmaltz, but I decided I needed to do my own, with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, of course. A daily dose of sarcasm is good for the soul. I do have two boys, and they could use some advice. Okay, off we go…

1. Never underestimate the power of the word “douche” or “douchebag.” Don’t try to get creative with things like “douchenozzle”. If you’re about to get in a fight, it’s okay to turn the other cheek, but make sure you call out some form of the word as you’re running away. Extra points for getting in something about his mom.

2. When you inevitably laugh until you nearly pee at something in church and I grab you and pull you out by your ear, know that many have gone before you and, although it may hurt at the time, you’ve entered the annals of Catholic history. Just make sure to go to confession.

3. I’m not even going to pretend you’re not ever going to get caught starting at a woman’s cleavage. It seems to be some sort of rite of passage, so think on your feet. Tell her you love her necklace, or her collarbone, or have found a suspicious mole. Eh, just be honest — maybe she’ll appreciate your honesty.

4. Never cheat. Cheaters never prosper. If you’re constantly surrounding yourself with Asians, your teacher will know what you’re doing. If you absolutely have no idea, make a Christmas tree with your multiple choice answers. The teacher will file that under “creativity,” which can go a long way.

5. You will forget birthdays and anniversaries. It’s in your DNA. Never underestimate the power of a bribe. Think of Kobe Bryant…and then do the opposite.

6. Learn to cook. It’s not the size of the ship OR the motion of the ocean. It’s your ability to grill a tri-tip to perfection or sear a salmon like a fucking pro. No one will even board your ship if you can’t get something going in the galley.

7. Marry someone with a good-looking mother. Sure, she may be hot now, but what will she look like in 20 years as she’s nagging you about your overuse of the word “douche”? You’ve got your own blueprint, so use it.

8. Do your own laundry — not because you’re trying to be thoughtful or any less of a misogynist  but because skidmarks are the exact opposite of an aphrodisiac.

9. Farts are funny. Everyone knows it. But don’t pull out the ole “dutch oven” too early on in the relationship. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, k?

10. Use coupons on your own time. Saving money is good, but if you whip out a coupon while paying for dinner, you won’t be whipping anything else out later. Get my drift?

*Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny, and not serious in any way, so keep your gripes to a minimum. But feel free to add something funny. Funny is always good. And if you like it, share it because that’s just common courtesy.




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  1. Deb says:

    You might want to rethink #6. My husband cooks and expects me to be happy … in spite of the 47 pots, two skillets, and 95 dishes he uses.

    Instead I suggest: “If you can’t cook, become eye candy. No way would a girl pass up a chance to meet a guy who makes the other girls swoon, even if they can’t cook.”

  2. Jennifer says:

    Oh Marn….so true so true. #10 has happened, he went home early.

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