Ten Things I Learned Watching Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette

It’s season one millionty of The Bachelorette and you’d think I’d be sick of the formulaic roles, predictable scandals, and “Who’s gonna tell X that Y isn’t here for the right reasons?” But ya know what? I still fucking love this shit. Eat it up. Nom. Nom. Nom. Tastes so good…like chicken and Chardonnay. I need to find a way to get paid to write about this train wreck but, in the meantime, I’ll have to stick to these somewhat abbreviated posts. Here are…


1. This season’s crop of guys is a strange mix of pansy ass friends of Dorothy (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and over-roided meatheads. I can’t wait to see what happens in the fantasy suite…they’re either going to paint each other’s nails or someone will go into a roid rage when Desiree politely asks, “Is that your penis?”

2. The dodgeball game could have been great fun had we known in advance to drink every time one of the guys said balls. “There were balls going all over the place.” “Balls to the wall.” “This is for all the marbles.” Just keep it in your pants, guys, especially you roid-heads.

3. A relatively new phenomenon has emerged on the last few seasons — the makeout scouting. It’s when, on the night of the loathsome group dates, one guy thinks to go and scout out a good place for him to put the moves on the bachelorette. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Last night it was Chris. Hey dude, nice docksiders.

4. How much of a douche did Brooks look like last night? I actually kind of like the guy but — DUDE — it was a BROKEN FINGER! You didn’t get mauled by a pack of rabid coyotes, ok? Stop crying and talking about passing out for a fucking BROKEN FINGER! And then he showed up, still sweaty in his baller outfit, only to get stiffed on the rose. We’ll hold your man card for you right over here.

5. Hey guys — pink is the new don’t ever fucking wear that again or I’ll punch you where your dick should be. STOP WEARING NEON PINK! Sean Lowe couldn’t do it. You can’t do it. Just stop, stop, stop.

6. Addendum to No. 5. Stop wearing too-tight fucking tank tops paired with your neon pink shorts, assholes! Yes, we see you have super big tree trunk arms and ya know what we know based on that? You’ve got a shrinky dink in your pants, that’s what.

7. The Brian’s girlfriend scandal was one of the most brilliantly played out scenes in Bachelorette history, yo. I loved how Desiree acted like she didn’t know and then — BOOM — girlfriend in your face, bitch! How ya like me now! I half expected Jerry Springer to come out or Maury to come asking for a paternity test. Well played, ABC. BTW, that girl came off looking like a total jackass, crying about her son and yelling to the world about how they slept together two days before he left for the show, all the while wearing her black Olivia Newton John leggings. Revenge, 1. Dignity, 0. Ya know what, honey? Donovan is going to get over that cock-knock. What he won’t get over is his mom making a fool of herself on national TV.

brian's girlfriend the bachelorette

Pretty in Pink…NOT!

8. Don’tcha love when they show the bachelorettes journaling, as if this is some deep “Eat, Pray, Love” experience for them? “Um, Dear Diary, Please send me some real men STAT. Oh, and some more Chardonnay. Love ya! xoxo”

9. I heard a rumor that Juan Pablo is just some schmo from the Bronx, which I’m so hoping is true. In the meantime, I will admire his beauty, but do hope that Desiree stops asking if he wants to accept the rose in Spanish.

10. I don’t want to get too dark here but I’m pretty sure that Brandon guy is going to end up on America’s Most Wanted one day. Dude is a volcano about to blow. Not tears, though, cuz he’s outta those.

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  1. Melinda says:

    Oh my gosh. When that guy started crying about his daddy issues, I almost turned off the TV. Are you kidding me? Stop crying. I loved how Des was like, “It’s just not for me.” Yeah, I wouldn’t date a guy who cried more than me either.

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