Ten Things I’ve Come to Realize on My 40th Birthday

Ten Things I’ve Come to Realize on My 40th Birthday

Like most people, I didn’t want to think about this decade.  Despite all this “40 is the new 30” crap, everyone knows it sucks giant donkey balls — having to check that new box every time you go anywhere is uber depressing.  Who knew the 30s would sound so good?  Lately, I knew I’ve had to face what was coming, so here are ten of my recent revelations:

  1. I can no longer say Justin Bieber is hot without feeling like Chris Hansen is going to bust in my home and arrest me.  And that sucks for this Belieber.
  2. I’ve missed my window for quite a few things – tramp stamps, nose piercing (yes, I’ve always wanted one but was scared of the hole it would leave behind, as the one in my belly button is like the Black Hole), being a ski (or beach) bum, and treehouses.  Sure, I can build one for the boys. But Mama wants one where I can go sip wine and read some mommy porn.
  3. Let’s face it – lactose intolerance is just a nice way to say “gassy”.  Let’s call it what it is instead of letting one slip during yoga and yelling out, “Oh, I’m sorry.  I’m lactose intolerant.”
  4. Sometimes I still can’t believe I’m a parent.  My kids will be battling it out in a restaurant and I’ll look around, mystified, wondering when someone’s going to break up the fight between this little fuckers.
  5. If facial hair grows exponentially, the highest paid inheritance in my last will and testament will go to the person who comes to the nursing home with a razor…or machete.
  6. Throwing parties used to be so much fun.  You’d throw out a bag of Funions and a case of beer and let the shenanigans begin.  Now it’s all about scented candles, Tiny Prints invitations, and making really annoying fruit salads in the shapes of people off Pinterest.
  7. I feel like I’m in this weird conundrum about the whole “Mr. And Mrs.” Thing with my kids.  It doesn’t seem like people really do that like we did when we were kids, but this whole “Miss Marnie” and “Mr. Shawn” thing sounds kinda weird and pedophile-y to me.  Dunno.
  8. I love that whole “Eat This, Not That” segment, but the problem is I want to eat THAT.  And a lot of that.  Who wants to eat this?  Nobody, that’s who.
  9. There are all sorts of cheesy internet memes floating around, but that one about true friends always gets me, as it really rings true.  I’ve found that my true friends aren’t the ones who I clean for, but the ones who know that if they come over unannounced, they may encounter a rogue kiddie turd in the toilet.
  10. When I was younger, 40 sounded ancient (still kinda does), and I think I thought there would be some sort of real maturity about me at this point.  But the other day I took the kids to Rite Aid and, as we were leaving I announced, “Let’s go home and play with your balls,” and couldn’t stop laughing for about ten minutes.  Guess not.


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  1. Mikeyd says:

    Hangovers in your 40s are exponentially worse than the thirties as well…and now that I think of it the 30s hangovers were much worse than in my 20s.

  2. Dahvia says:

    You make me excited to turn 40, Marnie!

    Just kidding.

    (Love ya!)

  3. kj says:

    You rock, Marn! These are very true! Also like the comments about the hangovers from Mikeyd. Also very true. Keep up the good work, friend.

  4. lbb_marnie says:

    Thanks, Guys. I guess the alternative is not turning 40. So at least I have that going for me. ha ha!

  5. Becky Murphy says:

    Holy crap I am crying laughing out here on the east coast!!! I am already a HUGE fan and I’ve only read a couple blogs!! Thank GOD Sheila clued me into this absolute hilarity!!! You are freakin’ awesome Marnie!!

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