Thank You Notes – Mother’s Day Edition

Have you ever seen Jimmy Fallon’s Thank You Notes? Well, I’ve decided I’d like to do a Mom’s edition in honor of Mother’s Day, with my tongue planted firmly in my wine-filled cheek. Join me, won’t you, in thanking all the things/people we have to deal with as mothers?

Kristen Bell meme

Thank you to

Timehop – thanks for turning us mothers into a puddle of tears while trying to perform our daily tasks. It’s not embarrassing at all ugly crying at my desk at work as I glorify in my mind how wonderful the Baby Years were.

Honest Ade – Thanks to the fuckers who invented the juice boxes that would probably be delicious, but it takes an advanced degree in Aeronautics to actually get the straw into the hole.

School Pick-up – Thanks for reminding me that even parents can be huge assholes who think they have a cloak of invisibility around them. Hey, I see you – YOU, the one refusing to let me in. You don’t have tinted windows, Mama PooHead!

Common Core – Thank you to the genius (HAHAHAHahahahhAHAHHAHAha) who came up with this school program. May you spend eternal life trying to figure out how A relates to B if B were green and A had a blue stripe.

Mother’s Day – Thanks to whoever decided we moms deserve a day. One. Fucking. Day. After pushing a watermelon out of our v-holes. “Yep, one day sounds about right,” said no mom ever.

Universal Trophies – Thank you to the a-hole who decided every child should get a trophy. Because that’s not going to lead to years of therapy years later. Eye-roll.

Target – Thanks, Target, for putting toys and candy at eye level as we check out. This temper tantrum is dedicated to you.

Dinner Time – Thanks, Dinner Time, for showing up each and every night without fail. You are nothing if not committed. Thanks for bringing your rancid step-sister, Picky Eating Habits, too.

No Gifts, Please, Parties – Thank you, NGP Parties, for making us all look like dicks no matter what we choose to do.

Pinterest – Thank you, Pinterest, for ruining the lives of every mom who doesn’t enjoy carving candles out of solidified unicorn tears. Thank you.

Caillou – Thank you, you little bald Canadian dick, for teaching all of our kids that whining works. We’d all love to kick you in your androgynous shorts.

Ice Cream Man – Thanks to the a-hole who drives 60 MPH up my street blaring his Ice Cream Man music, only to have us run out and miss him each and every time. Because that’s fun.

5 PM Baseball Games – Thank you for this, as what I want to do when I get off work is sit and watch a 2-hour game while making small talk with other moms (I kid, I kid). And, no, this isn’t coffee in my coffee cup.

Passive Aggressive Notes from School – Thank you, PAN, as I had no idea that those little fruit packets are void of any nutrition. Thank you, All Knowing School Person, for making me have more mom guilt than I can handle. You are what middle fingers are made for.

Angry, Childless Person on the Plane – Thank you for the not-so-subtle eye-roll you gave me as I walked up and down the aisles trying to console my child who, unbeknownst to me, had a double ear infection. When you have kids, I’m sure your they’ll be PERRRRRRRRFECT.

Unsolicited Advice Givers – Gee, thanks, UAG, for letting me know that my juice box probably has mold in it, and that my non-organic snacks cause cancer. What would I do without you (except live a fulfilling life of peace)?

Have any to add? Do tell.


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