You’ve figured out this season’s drinking game, right? You take a shot every time they show Sean working out and/or shirtless. You’ll be drunker than Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel about five minutes in. Last night, we knew we’d be in for something good, as Sean started giving out one-on-ones, which is when the girls start clawing each other’s eyeballs out. Sean neutralized the situation by giving out the first solo date to South Paw. No one’s going to badmouth the one-armed chick, right? Brilliant move if you ask me. Of course, in our house, we are anything but politically correct when watching this show, so these were a few things that came up right away when Sean took Sarah (South Paw) on the date:
You know what they say about short arms and deep pockets. She sure isn’t picking up the bill.
So much for Sean getting the ole reach-around.
The girls’ reaction: Yay, let’s give her an arm…er, a hand!
Come on, you can’t fight the material when it’s already written for you. Ya know, gift horse and the mouth and all that. The date, in and of itself, was so boring I could barely stand it. After forcing a one-armed woman to slide down the side of a bazillion story building in beautiful downtown LA (ha ha!), the two enjoyed a yawner of a dinner. These two are far too normal for reality TV, and the whole thing made me want to chew my own arm off (someone stop me). You had to love the gratuitous nub shot that the show gave her half-arm as she talked about how that company wouldn’t let her zipline. Keep it classy, ABC. Do they have one cameraman assigned to the nub and one to Sean’s giant package? I’ve got to wonder.
The group date reached epic levels of schmaltz, as the girls and Sean shot potential scenes for the cover of 3 Harlequin novels. Where was 50 Shades when we needed her? Tierra is taking on the role of bitch villain like the squatty, pint-sized boss that she is, and the model (Kristy), who I’m pretty sure used to be a man, was positively giddy over the fact that she knew she’d win the challenge. Lesley, who somehow thinks she’ll still have a political career after being on The Bachelor, made an impression on Sean by showing off some great abs. Just do the math — how many senators have done body shots off that taut tummy?
Que surprise, surprise, Kristy (formerly known as “Kris”) wrapped up the competition like it was her job. Oh wait, it is. Then the gals gathered round for the night date, in which Sean does damage control, floating from woman to woman who were pissed over him doing kissy face during the shoot and creating a Mono epidemic. Lesley tried to pull the tiresome routine where she waited for Sean to kiss her, to which he said, “This has been funny.” “Yeah,” she said, “This has been fun.” No, honey, he said “FUNNY.” She put aside her Southern morals, though, and interrupted a conversation to plant a smooch on those already well-used lips.
After calling herself the “odd duck,” Katie, who could have benefited from a hot oil treatment and a stiff drink, made a not-so-dramatic exit, with Sean basically telling her not to let the door hit her in the ass. Seriously, had she never seen the show before? It’s not like they’re doing ANYTHING different.
Sean then sat down with Kacie B. for a super duper awkward exchange in which he admitted that he had put baby in the friend corner. When she asked him point blank if he could see her in any other way, he waited like 20 long seconds before responding that he (maybe) could. After he must have realized the agony he put her through, he gave her the pity rose. Awww, Kacie — don’tcha just want to pat her on her head? It’s okay, honey, self-respect is so overrated.
Oh man, do I need to even cover the Desiree date? Sean pulled a “Candid Camera” prank on her that went over like a led balloon, and then they had an amazing date that ended in the hot tub with a serious game of tonsil hockey.The End. The only thing I can really say about it is that the other girls may as well go home at this point, as that girl’s got this whole thing wrapped up like a Christmas present.
The best part of the whole show was this Amanda chick, who showed up out of nowhere to put a Debbie Downer curse on the final cocktail party. One of the girls asked her a question point blank, and girlfriend didn’t even answer! Who is SHE, and how can I get to see more of her? After sporting her best “Tommy Lee Jones at the Golden Globes” face, Sean showed up and she put on this big-ass grin, and smiled politely as she talked to him about what he wants in a potential mate. She oozed delightfully nice from every pore. Seriously, give this girl an Oscar! Of course, we know The Bachelor formula, so the next episode will entail at least one or more of the girls “warning” Sean about Evil Amanda. I’m convinced that ABC trolls the local mental hospitals for recently released patients, and Amanda was hot off the asylum. That girl cray cray!
Next week we get to find out who pushed Tierra down the stairs. Yay! Give whoever it is a medal.