The Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: Victoria Gives Juan Pablo The Hymen Maneuver

In the treasure trove that is The Bachelor, Victoria made sure to shine bright like a fucking crazy-ass diamond. But more on that later, as there was plenty of crazy to go around with Juan Pablo as El Bachaylorr. A new drinking game was formed — everyone will now take a shot every time Lucy shows her boobies. We’ll all be vomiting by hour two.

The show began with a milqtoast  one-on-one with Clare. And, while the date was super cool because there was a winter wonderland in the middle of LA, there was about as much chemistry between these two as Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Things really shifted gears with Kat’s date, as, after Juan Pablo flew her to Portland, they ran the Electric Run 5K together … super strange in a way but also kind of cool. Oddly, they danced throughout the race, which takes a good deal of coordination if you ask me. Good on ya, folks. I don’t have much to say about Kat other than the fact that she seems really obnoxiously happy, which kind of gets under my skin. Take that down a notch or 5,000.

A man with a blue beard (because duh) introduced the girls to their inevitable group date photo shoot and, as per usual, some were more pleased with their ensembles than others. It was to raise money for pet adoption, so there were various pooch-related costumes. Kelly looked like a combination of a dog turd and a super tan alien, so there’s that. Plus, I really can’t stand her and her stupid-ass prop dog.

Alas, the show knew enough to stir the pot by making Andi (the prosecutor) and Elise (the first grade teacher) go nude. It took all of about .02 seconds for Lucy to accept Elise’s offer to take her fire hydrant outfit in exchange for the zero clothes option, and we were even “treated” to her walking her dog while in the buff. She really takes her job as a free spirit very seriously. Andi hemmed and hawed until Juan Pablo came to stroke her overinflated ego, assuring her that he’d be going nude as well. Sadly, we never got to see Juan Pablo’s little pablos, if you know what I mean.

Meanwhile, the wheels started coming off the very shoddily put together Victoria wagon, and she gave us some wonderful TV nuggets. Here were just a smattering of the cray-crays:

“I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch”

“If you do the hymen maneuver and someone’s like dying, you’re going to have to do the hymen maneuver.”

“I’m going to straddle him every day. Because that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.” (I think I saw this on a bumper sticker once)

“I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life.”

So the question remains — did she pop some sort of man cherry or did she keep him from choking on something he ate through his ass? Either way, she’s a life saver, indeed. Kudos, me’lady. Kudos.

Victoria The Bachelor

Giving the cam the ol’ one-eye

As the hot mess train left the station, she tried to interrupt a date with JP and Nikki, but when she saw how cozy they were on the couch, she said, “I’m sorry, I just can’t.” She then blockaded her self in the bathroom while yelling really insane comments and obscenities. She tried to leave the show with her bikini and san shoes, but a producer tried to stop her and keep her safe. No shoes. No shirt. No mental breakdown/exit.

While the whole thing could have turned into a way for the girls to pick her apart like a vulture happening upon a dead rabbit, Juan Pablo took the wind right out of their sails and said, “I cannot judge her. It’s not easy to be in this situation.”

While it didn’t make for great TV, you have to love this guy. Now shut up and show Mommy how you do your sit-ups. Good boy.

The best part is the show served Victoria up a slice of humble pie on a plate by having Juan Pablo go to her room the next day, but she refused to take a bite. Her lame-ass non-apology was ridonkulous.

“I might have overreacted a little,” Victoria said. “I guess I should apologize” about my “bathroom issue.”

Honey, this wasn’t an issue of constipation. You made a gigantic ass of yourself on national TV and I hope you become an auto tuned Vine video and that shit goes as viral as your STDs (wow, that one got away from me).

“Maybe I did drink too much?” she said, using the Anchorman question mark at the end of every one of her statements, showing everyone she really didn’t feel badly at all. This isn’t phone-a-friend, lady. You shit the bed and now you have to lie in it. Oh, wait …

The final cringe-worthy moment came when Amy decided to show off her reporting skills, awkwardly turning her only one-on-one time with JP for the week into a news segment. This just in, Amy: YOU LOSE. Put away your fake microphone. Forever.

In the end, Sharleen — the arrogant beeyatch who made our sweet Juan Pablo wait like five minutes before accepting the first impression rose — tried to backpedal. Just quit while you’re (a) behind. Your true monochromatic colors will show in the end.

Well, that’s about it. Does anyone else hope that Victoria is the crazy noodle that returns with a vengeance to start taking names and snatching some weaves? No? Anyone? Just me? Okay, I am a bit of a sicko (if you haven’t gathered that already).

Until next time, Bacheloriats!



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