“The Bachelor” Episode 3 Recap: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (aka The Bachelor Mansion)

Chris Harrison, Lesley, Sean Lowe

The Swapping of the Spit

Aaand that’s a wrap, folks. What’s that, you say? I didn’t write anything? Come on — the recap from last night’s show could write itself. At least give me something of a challenge. Even as genuine and normal as Sean is proving himself to be, the ladies are doubling down on the crazy, no one’s playing with a full deck, and we are ALL in.

Eh, it was a slow start, though, with the cheesy 3:15 minute Guinness Book of World Records kiss-off with Sean and Lesley, which I know I’ve beat with my eyes closed (of course my eyes were closed) during college. Come on, I made out with one dude so long he passed out on top of me (Sorry, Mom and Dad). The kiss was so awkward and forced that I had visions of the many things I’d rather be watching — Paint dry. Sarah doing a one-armed cartwheel. Kristy practicing tucking her penis into her panties. Yeah, it was that bad.

Daddy Sean and Mama Desiree will be so proud as they tell their kids about this all one day. “Daddy swapped spit with this dimestore ho for more than three minutes, and she never worked in politics again!” Ahhh, memories.

The group date was a competition to see who would get to spend the evening with Sean, and the sport of choice was beach volleyball. Had any of those girls even SEEN a volleyball before? Honestly, Sarah would have single-handedly kicked their asses (see what I did there?). It was downright painful to watch. In the end, the more normal team of girls won, leaving Kristy to The Crying Game…or basically, any day that ends in “day.”

The night date was the best part, though, as Creepy Amanda really started letting her freak flag fly, spouting off things about how she was going to get the rose and how it had NOTHING to do with how good she was at volleyball (how could it be?). The Showtime execs should write that girl into the next season of Dexter, as she definitely has a dark passenger. I can guarantee she has voo doo dolls of all the girls in her room, and regularly stabs them in the vaginas. Tune in next week when she pushes Desiree down a well and makes a stew with Sarah’s dog.

And then Kacie B. — say it with me, everyone — awwww, poor Kacie B., who should have had the benefit of experience to know that tattling on the other girls is the biggest Bachelor no-no. It’s like Bachelor 101. She took Sean aside and started babbling about how she felt caught in the middle between the Des and Amanda drama, leaving Sean to ask the same question we were all wondering — uh, why do you care? And why are you telling me this? He didn’t mince his words either, saying, I want to see you “act like Kacie, not like this crazy person.” Don’t let the door hit you in the poorly dressed ass.

AshLee, who apparently gets paid to be a “Personal Organizer,” was waiting for her solo date with Sean when Tiara took the hilariously fake tumble down the stairs. Since she’s about Snooki’s height, the meatball’s fall only took about a millisecond, but she was acting like she didn’t know who anyone was. The ole fake amnesia. I’ve pulled it a million times. Sarah got there first to lend a hand. Or half an arm. Really, though, she kind of just stood back and rolled her eyes. Thanks for nubbin’, Sarah. The EMTs tended to her, when she made a miraculous recovery. On a scale of one to Lance Armstrong, the girl’s a 9.9 on the manipulative liar scale. In the end, it was so painfully obvious that it was planned, but Sean had to give her the courtesy one-on-one time out on the patio. Well played, lil’ meatball. Well played.

Meh — AshLee’s date — not much to say about it, other than it was tres cool of ABC to line up a day at Magic Mountain for two sick besties who had never met before. Way to go, ABC. You may have crotch cams and roofie the girls on your show, but you’ve redeemed yourself through philanthropy. AshLee proved herself to be about as interesting as a urinal cake, but did get a rose in the end. Come on, who’s going to tell a girl she has to leave after she shared her date with two seriously ill children?

The claws came out along with the putrid scent of desperation at the final cocktail party, as Sean was treated to numerous convos interruptus. As he said, the girls were ruthless. Kacie, who was wearing the latest in Lululemon Slutwear and a neon scrunchie to match the stripe down the back of her skintight dress, threw up a Hail Mary with Sean, but the pass was not accepted. In fact, he ended up taking her aside and walking her to the limo, saying that he wanted to spare her the rose ceremony. Did anyone else think that was far more humiliating?

In the end, Kristy and some chick who I thought was possibly the house marm (Taryn) were sent home. With Tiara and Amanda still in the running, batshit crazy adventures are on the Bachelor horizon.

Photo Source: RedEyeChicago.com


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