The Bachelor Premiere Recap: A Sex Addict, A One-Armed Chick, and a Single Dude Walk Into a Mansion

The Bachelor

Don’t ask me why, but I love The Bachelor. Like unabashed, passionate love. It makes me happy. It makes me giggle. It makes me feel like I’m normal. My husband loves it, too. He’ll shave his own eyebrows off before he’ll openly admit it, but just trust me on that one. I don’t like to examine the reasons why I love this ridonkulous show too closely, as I’m afraid I’ll find out I’m some sort of sociopath. So, for now, I just choose to enjoy it, and share my love with you. Yeah, this is sort of a mommy blog, but it’s also a safe place to make fun of others. So there.

Last night was the season premiere for Sean Lowe‘s season, and it did not disappoint in any way. You knew the girls would be falling all over themselves, as they did that even in Ben’s season, and he rates a solid 3.5 on the looks scale. Throw in a physical handicap, a drunk nymphomaniac, and a desperate woman returning for another round, and you’ve got onscreen magic. Oh, and we all know that ABC keeps these girls lubricated with alcohol like it’s their job, but I’m pretty sure they decided to cut to the chase and roofie a few of them. I can see the spitballing meeting now:

Show Runner: This is like our hundredth season, guys. We’ve got to up the ante. Who’s got ideas?

Writer: What about the one-armed chick?

Show Runner: Not enough! We need more. More!

Writer: How about we do a wet tee-shirt contest?

Show Runner: Getting warmer.

Writer: Put the date rape drug in their wine?

Show Runner: Now we’re talking!

Sean is a little bit of a straight arrow, so of course the show had to go hard on finding the loose cannons for the ladies. And they went above and beyond. As Sean said about his Emily breakup, “God still has another plan for me.” Oh yeah? ABC does too, my friend. And it’s called drunk, slutty chicks with an extremely tenuous grasp on reality. Let’s just say God and ABC are NOT on the same page.

We were treated to a lot of gratuitous shirtless shots of Sean, and one rather blatant shot of his package while he was pondering life on the beach. The crotch cam will likely return, and did anyone else notice that the dude was hung like a porn star? No? Just me? Of course, the show had to put us through an uncomfortable scene with Arie and Sean pretending to be friends. “Hey, remember how we boned the same toothy chick?” “Yeah, that was hilarious!” “Good times.” Arie awkwardly walked him through some tips on kissing, and let’s just say that it should have ended up on the cutting room floor.

The girls…girls…what do I say about them? They were your typical buxom, big-haired, bizarre ladies that ABC always targets. They added in a bit more chocolate this year, as I think they were sued for their overly vanilla ways of seasons past, no? And let’s not forget the one-armed girl who the hubs and I nicknamed “South Paw.” Come on — you can’t have an ounce of political correctness when watching this show. I’ll strong-arm you into laughing if I have to. See what I did there? Strong-arm? Eh, maybe I stumped you with my humor. Boom, and the jokes just keep on coming!

You had plenty of chicks coming up with gimmicks despite everyone knowing that they are always a bad idea. The best by far was the 50 Shades of Grey chick, Ashley. She seems to have an obsession with the poorly written novel, so she thought it would be a good idea to pull a tie out of her dress to hint at some S & M fun for later in the show. Needless to say, Sean was horrified. But that didn’t keep her from shaking her moneymaker numerous times throughout the show, including putting her ass in Sean’s face while he tried to carry on a conversation with slightly psychotic returning Bachelor Pad fan, Paige. Ashley accosted Sean so much throughout the party he felt the need to mention he’d brought his rape whistle. He and Chris Harrison should have come up with a “safe word” before the show. Like “STD.” Or “balls.” Or “holyshitthisone’sgotagun!” This was all before 50 Shades fell down the stairs and on to her overexposed ass. Love. Her. I hope she returns in some sort of really scary, stalker sequence.

Kacie B., who already embarrassed the shit out of herself on Ben’s season, returned for more. Seriously — don’t these people have jobs? After her parents made the mistake of looking a little bit too straight-laced during the hometown visits, she showed up looking like she wanted to shed her good girl image. She had on a dress that exposed her boobies, and it was so tight, they looked like they’d been squished in a panini-maker. Of course, the other girls were NOT happy about her arrival.

Sean upped the ante on the insecurities by giving out roses like the cast of Jersey Shore doles out the herpes. He was making it rain up in there! When he’d have a conversation with someone who didn’t get a rose, it was more awkward than watching a sex scene with your parents. There was one chick who showed up in a wedding dress, only to quickly realize what a mistake she had made when no one else got the joke. What was the joke, btw? The poor girl drowned her sorrows, and then engaged Sean in a dance while she cheekily asked him to “Kisshm me. Kisshmmmeee, Sean,” promising him, “I swear I’m not contagious.” Nothing makes a guy get hot under the collar like a promise of not passing him a communicable disease. Oh man, that was priceless. I loved her honesty, though, as she told the cameras, “Honestly, I wish I was more sober.” She was one of my faves, and received the final rose of the night. Hooray!

The best part of the show was the previews, as this season promises tears, tears, and more tears, and that was just Sean. The only one who didn’t cry was Chris Harrison, as you know he just stands back and laughs. Tierra seems to be our resident evil bitch, and it looks like the girls plot to take her down in some sort of carefully planned roller derby attack.

Oh yeah, baby, it’s back. What did you think?

 

 

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Comments

  1. Melinda says:

    I personally like that the girls are taking more initiative this year. How obnoxious is it when year after year, they just go whine to the guy. “We hate Vienna.” “We hate Courtney.” Blech. How well does that turn out? Now, they organize and take out the bitch themselves. Love it.

    Great blog as always! Love your line about ABC and God not being on the same page.

  2. Aimee says:

    Marnie,
    Sheila just turned me on to your website and I am dying. I LOVE the bachelor and was thinking every little thing that you were while watching it. This show is priceless. This blog is priceless. I am not going to be able to go to bed tonight but rather am going to be laughing my ass off all night reading about gassy woman and people at the gym you hate. Awesome stuff Marn.

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