“The Bachelor” Recap: A Tierrable Time For All

The show decided to mix things up a little — instead of starting with a shirtless Sean lifting weights, ABC gave us a shot of Sean’s butt while he was picking out clothes in the ample Bachelor closet. Can you imagine the guy lying on his back so he could get that shot? What do they call that, the “ball cam”? Dude, they don’t pay you enough.

Sean continued on his pursuit of forcing everyone out of their comfort zones by taking Selma to Joshua Tree National Park. She normally wears six-inch heels, which would bring her to about four foot five. Immediately declaring, “I don’t do well in heat” and “I feel puffy,” we all seemed to see the writing on the 500-ft wall they were about to climb. The pint-sized beauty did surprisingly well, though, and I’m just hoping they let the poor guy who had to shoot up Sean’s boxer shorts get the shots down Selma’s shirt. She moved swiftly as she rock-climbed the wall while those fake ta tas remained perfectly motionless. Apparently, the strict Arabic culture in which she was raised allows for endless plastic surgeries, but kissing on the lips on camera is a no-no. The scene where they were both talking about .08 centimeters from each other’s face even after she told him she wouldn’t kiss him was more awkward than watching my fixed dogs mount one another.

The look on Tierra’s face when she found out she wasn’t getting a one-on-one yet again was priceless, but she quickly realized the bright side in that she could “knock beeyotches down” during the roller derby. Watch out, Sarah — she’s an equality opportunity skank. Bitch doesn’t care you only have one arm. She’ll take you out faster than you can say “handi-capable.” The girls have dubbed her “Tierrable,” which is just awesomeness. I wish I could be there with all the gals so I could tierr her ass a new one. Oh, to be a fly on the semen-stained walls of The Bachelor Mansion.

She of a thousand personalities — Amanda — decided on vindictive for this round, and practiced her best malicious laugh as she divulged to the cameras that she told the girls she had done roller derby before, but she really hadn’t. Oh, evil fiend! The plan was foiled when her hideous face met the ground at warp speed. Aww, keep your chin up, you crazy bitch. They had to haul her off to the hospital, which gave Sean a change of heart. He announced they would forego the derby and enjoy a “free skate.” Sarah must have been thrilled, as apparently having one arm gives you about as much balance as a blind and inebriated tightrope walker.

The night portion of the group date took a super duper fun turn, as the girls repeatedly tried to talk to Tierra despite knowing she hates them all, almost like they were poking a pig on the spit at a luau. Hmmm…bacon. She reacted as one might predict, by yelling that she didn’t trust anyone, and retreating on her high heels in search of Sean. Unfortunately for us, ABC gave us the angle of her leaving, and it was tierrable. Just tierrable. Cellulite, cheesy shoes, and butt cheeks, oh my! She pulled the ole hot tub-block in Lindsey, who was oh-so-close to giving an under-the-bubbles reach-around. Girlfriend is NOT shy. Here’s where it got weird — after an appalling display of tears, snot, badmouthing, and immaturity, Sean creepily said to her, “You like me. I can tell by the way you like at me.” Ewww. And then he did the unthinkable by giving her the rose, leaving us all to wonder if that hideous scar in the middle of Tierra’s forehead was actually from some girl who stabbed her with a fork.

Oh, Leslie. Leslie, Leslie, Leslie. How did you not see this coming? For a poker dealer, you have no ability to catch a poker face when you see one. Viewers everywhere could see that her Pretty Woman date was going to end pretty horribly, in the stereotypical Friend Zone, aka the end of the Bachelor line. How humiliating it was to give her a whole bunch of new shit and then send her packing. “Winner winner, chicken dinner?” More like, loser loser, see ya, snoozer.” Oy.

The final cocktail party was basically a “We Hate Tierra”-Fest, with one oh-so-painfully awkward scene with Robyn asking Sean in her best husky voice, “Do you want to taste the chocolate?” Oh, no, no, no. In the end, Freaky Deaky Amanda was given her walking papers so she can go lick her wounds instead of Sean’s tonsils, as she had hoped.

Tune in next week for the demise of the meatball — it looks like Tierra runs into a snowbank with an ill advised string bikini and gets a case of hypothermia. Good times!

Tierra

Bitch, I’ll cut you.

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