The Bachelor Recap: Show Me Your Cuntry

CHRIS SOULES, MACKENZIE, KIMBERLY, MICHELLE, TARA, TANDRA, ASHLEY I.

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fiery butt hair. Chris Harrison did not overstate the looniness that is the Chris Soules season. With drunks o’plenty, DumDums being dumb dumb, hoodies sans shirts, gratuitous outdoor shower scenes, and a few girls that I’m pretty sure are actually transgendered (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I nearly spit out my wine like ten times … nearly. This isn’t my first rodeo.

Side-note to ABC: Whoever named that super redneck game of bikini tractor racing, “Show Me Your Country“. I’m onto you.

Let me break this episode down for you, folks:

Ashley I. – oh she of the intact hymen – declared herself more Kardashian than country. Between those gnarly fake eyelashes, her overly aggressive game of tonsil hockey, and super creepy game of “Three Wishes On My Infected Belly Button Ring,” I actually think she might be playing a game of tuck the pickle under that dress, you know?

It only took two seconds for a sneak attack on Chris Soules’ house, which is only a hop, skip, and a bodily fluid away from The Bachelor Mansion. Come on, ABC, we all know what you’re doing there. But, hey, we like it.

Megan, Megan, Megan. As if you didn’t show us your wee brain while smashing your helmet head into various parts of Chris’s pad and not comprehending that you nabbed the first one-on-one date, but you also then declared, “I like a good mystery.” Honey, I’m willing to bet life is ALL a mystery to you.

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. I remember my first drink. Seriously, though, that bit about Jillian’s hairy ass made me giggle but you now have really bad juju, k? I rarely admonish ABC for anything about this show but that was kind of poor form for them to allow that on the air. And then they blacked our her bum during the ambush on Chris’s pad, too, leading us all to wonder: Is the ass hair actually billowing out the sides of the bikini? So many questions, so little time.

Mackenzie, Mackenzie, Mackenzie. I kind of want to pat you on the head and tell you it’s time to go home now, honey. It’s not going to end well for you and your alien/big nose fetish. Everyone knows you don’t kiss and tell let alone tell the girls how many times you kissed and every little detail. Go on and get your big girl panties and go home now, ya hear? P.S. Having a kid shouldn’t be THAT shocking, you know?

Did anyone catch that brief but horrifying clip of Jillian with no makeup on? When Oprah looks better sans makeup, it’s super fucking scary. SHIVERS. To boot, when she misunderstood and thought Chris was calling her and then she nearly fell and tripped up the rug, let out the weirdest, most uncomfortable, man-giggle I’ve ever heard, and returned to her spot could easily go down as one of the most cringeworthy moments in Bachelor history.

Did anyone catch Trina’s “Bless her heart” when talking about Jordan’s drunken ridonkulousness? Everyone knows that everything that comes after “bless her heart” is pure and utter trash talk.

Kaitlyn has overcome her super weird introduction of telling Chris to plow her fields any time. Girlfriend is hilarious! When she said Ashley S. would probably eat her rose, I knew we would be, like, real life besties. For reals, girl. CALL ME.

Did anyone catch the double meaning when Britt told Chris, “The right thing is going to happen.” Read: I’M GOING TO BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE AND, EVEN IF NOT, I’M GOING TO LAND A FUCKING MODELING OR ACTING GIG FROM THIS SHIT AND I’LL NEVER WAITRESS AGAIN BECAUSE I’LL BE RICH AS FUCK AND MARRY SOMEONE LIKE CHRIS PINE OR RYAN GOSLING BECAUSE, FUCK YOU, EVA MENDES. FUCK YOU. No? That was just me? Don’t tell me you guys are buying what she’s selling. And how cute but embarrassing that Chris gave her a card that said “FREE KISS.” What a philanthropist, this guy.

Last but holy hell not even close to the least: How did Ashley S. smuggle in hallucinogens? Come on, folks. As my friend who works on the show mentioned yesterday, these folks are fully screened for being batshit crazy so how else do you explain her behavior? MUSHROOMS, BITCHES! “You don’t want to lose the whole world but you don’t want to gain the whole world?” Deep thoughts by kitty cat-whisperer and onion tamer Ashley S. Those vacant eyes are chilling but you heard it here first – this Courtney Thorne-Smith lookalike has something up her sleeve, and it may be LSD.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. Dana says:

    I haven’t watched The Bachelor in years, but I love the way you write about it! Hilarious and terrifying stuff.

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