The Bachelor Recap: Virgins ‘Round the Horn

All aboard the train to Crazy Town but get your tickets and fast, as this bitch is filling up fast. Fortunately for us, the conductor changes each week, as there is enough crazy on this season to fill the Grand Canyon. Buckle up and come along for the ride, won’t you?

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Would You Rather…

Have to listen to Jillian talk about fucking homeless people or lick her hairy ass cheeks? If you read my blog, you know I’m not easily offended (LOLLLLLLZ!) but come on. There’s a time and place for potty mouthed humor and the most romantic setting on the face of the earth isn’t the occasion to talk about your dad’s sick sense of humor and endless stories about your muscle competitions. I’ve had turds that are more feminine than that chick. I was just waiting for her to chug a beer, burp, fart, and then itch her hairy balls.

Ashley S.’s Dealer Came Through

You get mescaline! And you get mescaline! And you get mescaline! I know we’ve talked about how ABC has to test these people for a healthy mental status but I think it’s safe to say one might have slipped through the cracks, no? “Thumbs together … Ta Ti Ta Ti Ta Ta Ta Ta…” Isn’t that how her catchy campfire tune went? If I were the girls, I would have been afraid she would have started biting their heads off and spitting them in the campfire as she creepily murmured about, “Whore S’mores.” Her crazy eyes sent chills up my spine. Even more uncomfortable than her crazy eyes, weird dance, and black and white striped Where’s Waldo condom hat, though, was her declaration that she loved everything about Chris. Wow, did that come out of left field. Ashley. S. – if by “love,” you mean you want to carve off his skin and wear it like a snuggie, we might believe you.

Like A Virgin

“I’m a virgin. And I need mention it a thou-ou-ou-sand times. I’m a virgin. Punching me (inmysuperfakenoseandnastyexcessivelylongeyelashesandannoyinglyintacthymen) would be sublime.” Okay, so my version is a work in progress but if she mentioned her V status one more time, I might have had to turn off the TV. HA HAHAHAHAHHAHAH, HOOHHHOOHOHO, HAHAHHAHAHAH. Okay, had to get that out of my system, as we all know even Ashley I. Fauxdashian couldn’t make me turn off my favorite TV show. In sum, I hope she falls on a cactus and busts her hymen with a giant prick. Too mean?

Have You Seen The Lakes in Michigan, You Bunch Of Lame Assholes?!

WOW, we have a new villain and girl we’d like to punch in the vagina, no? Kelsey really revealed her true colors as the holier than thou bitch that she really is. And how about that fake laugh? HA HA HA! I’ve heard more authenticity in a session of Congress. There’s a lake. There’s booze. There’s good food. And there’s Chris. Wipe that smug look off your face before we make Jillian’s butt cheeks do it for us. After going on a rant about Michigan’s far superior lakes and how she would rather stab herself with a fork in her eye than stay at the “dingy pond” (just give us a fork, Kels; we got this), she got what was coming to her – a bee sting to the bajingo. Sounds about right, you arrogant twat. I can’t wait to see what that whole drama is about next week when she falls on floor in a fit of crazy ass tears.

I’m The Disney Princess, Bitch!

What’s scarier than a bunch of zombies in search of their latest kill? A bunch of girls watching Jade get ready for her Cinderella date with Chris. If looks could kill, that girl would be a pile of ash and diamonds. As for the date, I really can’t say anything bad about it. It was oddly sweet for this show. Every once in a while, there is a moment of true sweetness where I’m genuinely touched. This was one of them. She’s pretty and cute and seems normal. ABC, you got me. Jade might be a new frontrunner! The best part, though, was Ashley I., who donned her princess dress despite the fact that it wasn’t her date, as she waited in the living room gnawing on an ear of corn. I see a super scary spin-off in our future called “The Ashleys” about two girls named Ashley who are completely deranged and cannibalize all their dates. CW –  call me!

In Closing

Why the fuck is Chris continually giving Mackenzie roses? Why? Why? Why? Is she the producer’s pick or is he just tempting fate in hopes that aliens do come to probe her and return her in normal human form? Britt, Britt, Britt – welcome to the back of the line, babe. You sure are gorgeous but you got a little bit too high on that frontrunner horse. I love me some Kaitlyn but I’m not sure what the point of ditching her bottoms was? The only thing that can come from that is a leech on your nether region or a water enema. Oh wait, you got the rose. Carry on, you cheeky Canuck. Carry on.

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