“The Bachelorette” Episode 3 Recap: Kids Are Not Alright

It’s funny to think that the execs and “masterminds” behind ABC’s The Bachelor and The Bachelorette series actually looked forward to this season, bending over backwards, frontward, and basically taking one up the bee-hind to get Emily on the show – even going so far as to move the entire set to a mansion in Charlotte (in the meantime, who wants to take a blacklight to the bedrooms in the LA mansion?  Ewwww).  Ironically, all the guys I know admit that, while she’s a looker, the thought of her as the Bachelorette was about as painful as putting their penises in a vice.  Yeah, that bad.  Sadly, the future had been foretold, as this season’s been about as entertaining as a uterus scraping.  Are you sensing a theme?

Each year, fans of the show develop drinking games — binging shots, hard alcohol, and gallon vats of wine when someone says or does a certain thing.  With Jake’s season, it was those bad aviation puns (“his love lifts me up” kind of a thing).  Or any time someone uses the word “journey”.  This season, it’s lil’ Ricky, or kids in general.  Any time they show someone under the age of ten or Emily mentions she’s a mom, down a fifth of tequila.  Honestly, it’s the only way you’ll enjoy the show.  Is there anything more excitement-killing than kids on TV?  I’ve been hoping Luke from Modern Family dies in a house fire.  I have kids.  Do I really need to see them on my guilty pleasure TV shows?  Fuck no!

All that being said, last night’s show was par for the long course of disappointment.  It started with a long climb up a wall with Chris from Chicago, and the only excitement I could muster was for the fact that the dude is from my hometown.  The problem with that guy is he is entirely too nice and normal, which equals certain reality TV death.  Give me mental instability, sadism, or a pregnant girlfriend back home.  Something!  Bring Bentley back.  Just please don’t show me any more Chris.  Normal, stable Chris.  The poor guy even said that scaling an enormous wall during a lightning storm wasn’t a good moment for their first kiss.  Really, Dude?  You’d better hand in your man card on the way down.  The only part of that date that made me laugh was when Country star (?) Luke Bryan sang “Your squeakers make me wanna go boom boom.”  Appropriate for a show with Dolly Parton, but more on that later.

Next up was the most cringe-worthy scene of the night – Meet the Really Old, Unattractive Moms Segment.  It made me realize that Emily’s one of those people who obviously thrives on hanging with others who make her look ah-mah-zing.  Chelsea Handler’s ugly doppelganger, Wendy, was pretty funny, though, barely hiding her 50 Shades-esque desire to undress each of the guys with her tongue.  At one point, she asked one of the guys what his super power would be?  “Um, to be invisible.  Yeah, right now – to be invisible.”  You know that’s what he was thinking.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get more awkward, Emily released a bunch of random minors on a playground, as we watched the guys try to interact in a way that was playful, but not “show me where he touched you on the doll” playful.  At this point, you’ve gotta wonder whether some of the guys would have opted out of that for one swift kick in the nuts.  At least that would be over quickly.

Speaking of nuts, one of the two token dads, Tony, proved he had none, as he repeatedly phoned/harassed his son and then cried up against a wall before being asked to leave by Emily.  The other token dad, Doug, actually tugged on some real heartstrings, telling a story about how he’d grown up in the foster system after having a mom who abandoned him and a dad who died during a seizure.  Yeah, try to kick that guy off now, Emily.  He just bought himself a ticket to the finale.  I’ll see you your kid card and raise you one fucked up childhood.  Well played, sir.  Well played.

Next up was The Ghost of Ricky – er Arie – the racecar driver, which isn’t weird at all.  Actually, he’s a bit like Chris in that he’s way too normal, and just when you thought he didn’t have a kid card to play like the token dads, he pulls out the “I was engaged to a woman with two kids, and I only miss her kids” revelation.  Check and mate, other dudes.  You might as well pack up and go home now, which they all caught a glimpse of later when he played about a ten-minute game of tonsil hockey with her right in front of them.  Oh, and her idol Dolly Parton showed up, which pretty much made her oh-so-boring life complete.  She even engaged Miss Emily in a little girl chat, which could have been cute, but by this point I really want to punch Emily…hard.  So it’s not cute at all.

Luckily for ABC, Alessandro from the Stone Ages, or an unnamed country which probably doesn’t allow women to use the same sidewalks as men, was like a little breath of fresh reality TV air, as he regaled Emily with stories of how he’d be compromising if he let she and lil’ Ricky into his life.  And the network saved the best nugget for the end of the show, when he revealed that he’d had a one-night-stand, had cheated on someone before, had dated his cousin, and couldn’t even keep a plant alive (or something to that effect).  ABC needs to learn to scatter those gems throughout the show, especially when this season is as painful as it is.

In the end, the MC danced his way out of Emily’s life, and Ryan left us with a glimmer of hope for some drama, calling Arie “dainty,” going on to say that he’s quite physical, and is up for the competition.  Kalon, who eerily reminds me of James Spader’s douchy Pretty in Pink character, Blaine, has also shown some promise as a privileged, antagonistic, douch-hole (half asshole, half douche).  And don’t forget his Louis Vuitton luggage.  So there just may be some hope yet.  Villains are good, so here’s the take-home message for ABC: Less Ricky, More Dicky.

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  1. Dave says:

    Marnie – This was brilliant.

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