“The Bachelorette” Episode 5 Recap: Ricki is Designer Baggage

On last night’s episode of The Bachelorette, London was calling, but apparently it’s like one of those dog whistles, and only douchebags can hear it.  Emily’s voice was cashed, as apparently talking about Ricki and other really inane shit causes laryngitis.  Anyone who mistakenly thought her annoying baby voice would be any less annoying was wrong, though.  She was still as dull as dishwater, but now it was like nails on a chalkboard.

The first one-on-one date was with Sean, and they somehow ruined one of the world’s coolest cities as Emily felt the need to pepper the conversation with robotic and lame facts about the tourist attractions that were obviously spoon fed her via the producers (and them via Wikipedia).  The only thing she may have taught us last night was that apparently going “West Virginia on your ass” is really, really scary, but more on that later.  Sean decided to take a moment during their jaunt through London to get up at Speakers Corner and awkwardly discuss love and how, although he’s never experienced it, he’s seen it with his parents.  You have to guess if he had a time machine and could erase five minutes of his life, those would be the ones he’d choose.  Unfortunately, I’ll never get that time back.

Later that night, they had dinner by the Tower of London, and Emily started a conversation with “As you know, I have a daughter…”  Jee, you don’t say!  You hadn’t mentioned that.  By this point, I imagine a trap door opens and the earth swallows her up every time she speaks of said child, and I’m mildly pleased with my own evil game.  Sean says all the right things, including expanding the number of children he wants to very obviously fit that number with Emily’s desire.  Blah Blah Blabbity Blah.  They share a kiss with the Tower of London as the backdrop, and for some reason I’m not buying the chemistry between them.  I’ve honestly been more turned on by a good pedicure.

The group date took place at Stratford Upon Avon — the birthplace of Shakespeare — so in order to keep this season as predictable and boring as possible, the date was set up to be a play in which some guys would play Romeo, and others would fill the female roles.  Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears…so that I may cut them off and spare you the pain and agony of the next half hour.  Unfortunately, you’d still have your eyeballs, though, and have to bear witness to some sorry ass attempts at humor, and one really, really serious attempt to play Romeo by Kalon.  In fact, during rehearsals, he even told Emily to skedaddle, as he had to rehearse more — classic Kalon, and by “classic” I mean completely psychotic and seeming to be on the verge of open firing on everyone around him.  Wherefore art thou, Romeo?  In a dark, dark place where kids are baggage, me’love.  Ryan, as Romeo, had the opportunity to kiss Emily, which is kind of funny when you consider she’s got some form of Malaria.  I’m sure that’s not the worst thing that guy’s had to deal with, though (cough, cough, the clap, cough cough).

My apologies to Jef, as I’d been calling him Jeff, thinking he was a normal person.  Jef, with one fucking “f,” had the next one-on-one, and I have to wonder, is anyone else’s gaydar going off with explosion-like force?  Between the hair, the metrosexual duds (anyone remember the blue knee socks from last week?), and all the squishy talk about feelings, something seems a bit off there.  In the words of Murray from Clueless (yes, I love that movie), methinks he may be a “disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holder friend of Dorothy.”  Not that there’s anything wrong with that – unless you have a vagina.  Then there is, indeed, a problem.  Feeding into my theory, he decided to comment on the Ricki-as-baggage fiasco, and said that she’s a “Chloe handbag that I’d want forever.”  Shopping partner?  Yes.  Husband?  Oh no, no, no.

Shit hit the fan when Doug told Emily that Kalon called Ricki “baggage,” and the normally lady-like (read: boring) bachelorette turned into a white trash Southern thang, saying she wanted to go West Virginia on his ass, tearing his limbs off and beating him with them…something Kalon, himself, may have already tried, psycho that he is.  The hilarious part is Kalon completely owned the comment, diffusing what could have been a super great Jerry Springer moment on the show.  A girl can dream.  Sigh.  After telling him to get the fuck out, she grilled every guy there for not having her back, making them all feel like total jerkholes.  We’re sure to see a lot of ass-kissing in the weeks to come, so pack your nausea pills.

In the end, it was Alejandro’s turn to go, so you know Chris Harrison spent hours behind the scenes practicing that name.  Hilarity ensued when Emily told them they were going to one of the most romantic cities in the world – Dubrovnik, Croatia.  Ahhh, yes – I think it goes, Paris, San Francisco, Dubrovnik.

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  1. rashel says:

    This is one of my favorite parts:
    “My apologies to Jef, as I’d been calling him Jeff, thinking he was a normal person. Jef, with one fucking “f,…..”

  2. Si Brunk says:

    This was hilarious! You have an awesome writing style and super humor. Book marking this so I can read each weeks recaps. And thanks for posting this blog url on Facebook.

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