“The Bachelorette” Episode 6 Recap: These Turquoise Shoes Are Made For Walking

Ahhh, Scotland – with lush countryside and brilliant stone edifices that are a sight to behold, any man would be lucky to visit here with Emily.  What’s that, you say?  Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette was in Croatia?  For fuck’s sake, why were they wearing kilts and playing in The Highland Games?  It’s probably just another one of ABC’s plans to try and pull the wool over our eyes.  Scotland?  Wool?  See what I did there?  Anything to distract from the shit show that is this steaming pile of a season, that’s what I say.  At least we didn’t see a lick of Ricki this week, so we had that going for us.

Emily decided to clean house last night.  Fortunately, that’s not a literal term, as we all know how Emily likes to show us her normal, boring-as-shit Mom life.  Instead, she decided to use Croatia to take all those on the bubble out for dates, starting with Gomer Pile-y Travis.  Golly gee, that dude is an enormous goober.  Even Emily could barely keep from yawning.  They walked around the town, with Emily spewing more inane facts and making him attempt to balance on a brick, which was allegedly some sort of test of whether they would last.  As we all guessed, he failed, and didn’t even snag a chance to shed his shirt, which I’d imagine was the only way in which he dodged a bullet.  He then exclaimed he was about to bust outta the “Friend Zone,” but instead he made a beeline to the end zone, and was kicked to the Croatian curb.  As most of these guys do, he obliterated what was left of his manhood on his way out, saying that his departure sucked “with a capital suck,” crying his way around town and dramatically ditching his umbrella despite the pouring rain.  Uh, Dude, you’d better go back.  You also left your testicles.  Hey, it happens.  In fact, this show is where testicles go to die.  True story.

As if those group dates don’t already make the guys wanna bash their own heads in, they were forced to watch an animated kids movie (Brave), and then each was forced to say something lame or cliché about the ways his life is like a character in the movie.  This whole episode was shaping up to be like a mass castration.  Ironically, just after the castration session, they were told to put on skirts (okay, kilts) and partake in The Highland Games.  Jef took the opportunity to say that love takes bravery, and so does this, or some such super-gay nonsense.

Archery was the first task, and Chicago Chris shot the bow as if he had a really fiery case of hemorrhoids, or his ass was being suctioned out by some unknown force (probably Jef’s crotch).  The guys at least handled themselves accordingly by pointing and laughing.  Well played, sirs.  He went on to reach new heights of humiliation, as he chose Shit Brickhouse Doug to go against in a game of tug-of-war, and attempted to throw a log in the air, only to watch it limply go back down to the ground with nary a whisper.  If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?  Yes, and that sound is Fonzie revving up his engine, as this show is seriously jumping the shark. The weird thing is he could have completely recovered in the eyes of the viewers had he just played the self-deprecating funny guy, but instead he got defensive and looked like he was going to cry, in the end getting the pity rose from Emily.  Awww, that’s so…lame.  Really, really lame.  Go back and collect your testicles.  I think Travis may have picked them up back in the Friend Zone.

Arie and the other guys (which is basically what they amount to at this point) gathered for an evening group date, or really just another occasion for Arie to stick his tongue down Emily’s throat and up the ante on his progression into the Creeper Zone. One-F Jef also got some alone time with Emily, saying that people write novels about his feelings for her.  Fifty Shades of Friendship and Frolicking, anyone?

Ryan got plenty of time on camera leading up to his one-on-one date, spewing some amazing gems like the fact that he looks at himself in the mirror every day and asks himself what kind of man he wants to be.  Apparently, most days the mirror answer backs “really, really big douche.”  But he’s not completely hard on the eyes – I’ll give him that.  Chris also redeemed himself a bit by adding that Ryan plucks his finger hairs.  Go easy on the guy – he’s about one hair away from being on those Geico Caveman commercials.  Ryan took the opportunity to flirt with Emily in front of the other guys, saying the world is their pearl and some other drivel from “Cheeseball-ese”.  Even his words sound like they have STDs.

After a totally boring day date not worth mentioning other than some oystering and a bunch of self-photos taken by the side of the road, the two met up in some sort of castle for dinner.  The pearl we’d all been waiting for was the shot of Ryan’s feet, which showed…wait for it…turquoise shoes.  Men – heed this advice.  Unless you’re Ronald Fucking McDonald, Elvis back from the dead, or a pimp, your shoes are to be brown or black.  Period.  As if he hadn’t already solidified himself as a complete misogynist, he read her twelve things he came up with off the top of his head that he wants to see in his future wife, including some doozies like “nurturer” and a “servant” with a “beautiful, sexy personality.”  It only made it funnier that, shortly thereafter, he was given his walking papers.  After pleading his case for a lo-oo-oo-ng time, with many of us probably believing that Emily was going to take it back, she stuck to her guns and sent that cocky dickhead packing.  He probably walked right to Chris Harrison’s suite to see if they could share some hookers while discussing his turn as the next Bachelor.  Because this show is nothing if not formulaic (but hey, we all continue to watch), Arie took on the clichéd role of comforting Emily inappropriately in her suite.

The cocktail party saw lots of tears being shed, and none were Emily’s.  I wonder if she’s begun to carry around a hankie with her for those awkward moments.  John, aka Wolf, saved himself by crying over a crumpled-up funeral announcement about his grandparents, and then Doug began to sob like a baby over his son.  Well-played, young men.  You will forever be ridiculed by anyone in your inner circle, but you just bought yourselves another week with the most boring bachelorette in history.

Did anyone else wonder why we didn’t see that scene that they showed us last week, with Emily wearing that white dress, going all “West Virginia” on Chris Harrison’s ass, asking him to tell her who in that room is not here for her?  What was that all about?  Speaking of that, is Chris Harrison always just lurking around every corner?  Emily decided she wanted to add an extra rose, so she left the room, walked around the corner, and there he was.  Hilarious, folks!  In the end, I’m sure ABC thought this added some drama, but the only thing it did was probably piss the other guys off, as now there’s even more competition in the weeks to come.  Does this mean two will go home next week?  Hopefully one of them will be Emily.

 

 

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