“The Bachelorette” Episode 7 Recap: Jef Wants to Date the F*ck Out of Emily”

Jef Holm

I would like to find whoever is responsible for this abomination of a season on The Bachelorette and hobble him, a la Kathy Bates in Misery.  If only he would drive off the road somewhere near my home, so I could nurse him back to health, torture him, throw him down the stairs, and make him promise never, ever to do anything like this again.

This week’s episode brought us to Prague, and was, once again, sponsored by Wikipedia, with facts about the city which may or not be true being spewed from Emily’s cold, lifeless lips.  Emily said she loves the city because it reminds her of the old days.  Yeah, communism was amazing, wasn’t it?  As a side note, the guys showed up with half wearing Members Only jackets while the others donned the always-stylish hoodies, proving there’s a good mix of douchebags and slightly psychotic juvenile types.

Arie got the first one-on-one, and they walked around the city in her signature husband-and-wife mode.  He was wearing a snazzy blazer with patchwork elbows, while she wore hot pants that were a strange combination of sequins and camel toe.  And remember all that drama we were promised about Arie’s romantic hookup with a producer from the show?  Well, hold on to your underpants because he did date her – wait for it – ten years ago for like a millisecond.  The horror!  Once Emily realized how ridonkulous her fit was, we were shown a harshly edited clip of them apologizing to each other for the misunderstanding followed by their signature noisy kiss and Arie’s admission of love.  Die!  Just die!

Wolf finally got his one-on-one date, during which he rapid-fired more reasons why he’s about as emotional as a rock.  A rock with no personality.  A rock with no substance.  Like one of those hollow hide-a-key rocks that I always had a hard time finding when I was drunk off my ass in high school.  Sorry, Mom and Dad.  Then they visited the John Lennon Wall of Music, where Emily pretended to know who that was, and be interested in the history of Prague’s music being banned and this wall being built as a tribute.  The two of them would have cute robot babies.  The date only got more awkward as they wrote on some locks that were supposed to represent eternal love and theirs was, of course, defective.  Project Lock of Eternal Love Fail.  Reboot.  Reboot.  Reboot.  Emily-Bot and Wolf-Bot then went home, where John oddly told the guys that the date was fabulous, and that he’s completely confident that he’s getting a rose.  Were you actually there, Dude?  Hit rewind – your motherboard has that feature, right?

Chris started showing his scary side – like check his trunk for dead bodies scary – and freaked out when he found out he wasn’t getting a one-on-one.  He’s wound about as tight as a clock on Christmas, and it’s kind of fun if you make a game of counting the veins about to burst in his neck.  As if not knowing where he fits in, Sean channeled the most insecure part of his persona, and walked around Prague shouting Emily’s name until, alas, he found her walking alone in a dark alley by herself.  What the what?  Emily oohed and ahhed over all the attention he showered on her, and then he later dished to the camera that he felt super confident about the group date.  He also noted that the other guys had no idea he snuck out, leaving me to wonder – how is that even possible?  Did he roofie everyone?  Maybe they all went to check the locks on their bedroom doors, lest Chris decide to release his pent up aggression with an under-the-pillow grenade.  Who’s Emily’s boyfriend now, huh guys?  Guys?  Guys?  Oh yeah, that’s right.  I just killed your asses!  Booyah!  Who are these guys in white coats, coming to take me away, ha ha?

The group date got real awkward, real fast, and Doug proved that his emotions could fit in that same hide-a-key rock with Wolf’s.  The only time he shows any sign of having a pulse is when he talks – nay cries – about his son.  So when Emily tried to get close to him by putting her knees up against his, he moved away.  Cooties!  Dude, I don’t blame you, as anyone who’s kissed Ryan certainly does now have cooties by proxy.  She finally came to her senses and kicked him to the curb immediately, but not before he lost any shred of manhood he may have had left by trying to sneak in his first – and last – kiss.  Doug – go home to your son and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you dodged a boring and high-maintenance bullet that’ll go West Virginia on your ass if you cross her.

Ain’t no party like a Jef-and-Emily Party because a Jef-and-Emily Party don’t stop.  Or start.  Yeah, it’s the second one.  Marionettes, and carpets, and curse words, oh my!  That easily had to have been the strangest date in the series’ history, with the two of them acting out their feelings with one another by marionette in the middle of a gigantic library in Prague.  It’s worth mentioning that it all started with the two of them coming across a Michael Jackson marionette in a store, because there’s nothing creepy about a pedophile marionette children’s toy, right?  Am I right?  After the totally bizarre puppet show in which Jef was able to show why he was so nervous at first and didn’t kiss Emily, the two laid down on the carpet to discuss their impending hometown date, during which Jef revealed that one of his siblings lives in China or some foreign land, and his parents won’t be there.  Ummmmkay.  He then showed his wild side by declaring, in his super soft, feminine voice, “I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you.”  Thou doth protest too much, as the saying goes.  One can only hope he comes out of the closet on his hometown date, as this season could use a little spice.  Is arsenic a spice?  Hmmm…

Fast forward to the end – which was what we did – and Emily ditched the cocktail party, which makes no sense to me.  The cocktails are the only things that would keep me going at that point.  Creepy Chris made sure to steal Emily away at the last second to tell her in the most terrifying way that he’d never be ready to leave her.  It’s pretty easy to read between the psychotic lines there.  In the end, his Hail Mary worked, and an overconfident Wolf was sent back to his pack.  As the show came to a close, Emily ensured us of a crazy good week next week – emphasis on the “crazy”.







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