The Bachelorette Hometown Dates: Weenies Around the Horn!

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, which is why the week of the hometown dates on The Bachelorette makes me happier than Al Sharpton on a media blitz. The guys this year are certainly not bad looking but they also could each be man-gina models.

I’ll share a few of my thoughts on the visits:

Zak:

Oh, Zak, Zak, Zak, Zacky boy. The sacrificial lamb. The one who gets chosen because the girl already knows she’s in love with someone else. There’s always one. It was painful to watch, especially when Desiree would drop such obvious generic statements about him, like “He does brighten the day with his energy.” The only that was missing from that statement was her petting his head while she said it. There, there, boy, good boy, now. Fetch!

Zak’s family was the best of all of ’em, even though they fancy themselves the modern day Brady Bunch. They were all quite cute and normal. And side note: What’s the over/under on ABC calling that sister to be the next Bachelorette? Girlfriend was cute. She was savvy too, as she picked up on Zak getting stymied in the friend zone. Alas, it was more like the token zone.

Drew:

Oh, Drew. Drew, Drew, Drew. Drewy boy. Okay, that one doesn’t work as well. You are so not on Desiree’s radar either. You’re oh-so-handsome but in such a milk toast way. I wouldn’t know whether to date you or serve with a nice latte.

I died a little inside when your mom asked you how you felt about Des and you said, “She’s my soulmate.” You’re on the fast-track to the back of the limo. We’ll be seeing you blubbering like the girl who loves cats too much in no time.

I won’t say anything about the sister, as I thought it was super duper cool to include her, but come on –– who didn’t laugh when he told Des, “She may get a little grabby.”

Chris:

Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Chrissy boy. You see where I’m going with this, right? Unless Desiree is yanking our collective chains, she’s already declared Brooks the winner (the wiener!). Of all of the runner-ups, though, Des definitely has the most feelings for Chris, even though he bares a striking resemblance to Buster on Arrested Development.

The dad gave her an adjustment. On TV. Weird. It was so odd watching him torque her neck in all sorts of different directions to, as he put it, give her some “clarity.” She sees things very clearly, Dude, and she knows you’re a creep.

How weird was that nose adjustment thingy he did on Chris? Did he reach up and tickle his brain? I would be afraid these folks were going to start doing some sort of science experiments on me.

The best part of this visit was when Chris said to his sister that she liked the last girlfriend alright, and the sister said, “NO!” The mother worked the ex over while on camera, too, so wherever that girl is, she is not happy with the Siegfrieds (aka The Munsters).

What I really dislike about Chris is he’s constantly talking about how he knows he’s #1. Last night, he said, “There’s no possible way these feelings are being expressed with anyone else.” Awwww. There, there, now. You need to be pet now, too. You know the guys behind the camera were like, “Has he ever SEEN this show before!?”

Brooks:

Brooks has more family members than the Duggars. We’re not going to ignore the fact that he’s Mormon, right? It seemed like it was the giant Romney-sized elephant in the room last night. Salt Lake City. 100 family members. No booze on the table. I’m not a detective but I’m going out on a limb to say yes…yes, he is…not that there’s anything wrong with that. Unless you like booze. And soda. And fun. Oh, okay, that last one was harsh. Kidding!

Oh, Des. Des, Des, Des. Dessie girl. Methinks Brooks is not as into her as she is into him, no? Is it just me? Is my attraction radar busted? Much like her brother, I see heartbreak in her future, and it’s not just because they showed her bawling her eyes out in the preview.

Desiree Hartsock

Oh, it’s so cute you’re serenading me…you’re not going to feel stupid at all when I reject you.

NATE! YES, NATE!

He’s baaaaaaaack! And creepier than ever! Anyone else feel the thing that’s been left unsaid is that he wants to bone his sister? Blech. Seriously, there’s something wrong here. And I feel like the movie from Deliverance should be playing every time he comes onscreen. But come on, he’s Bachelorette magic! He was lurking and staring and stalking…stalking his sister, folks! How long until he send Chris Harrison a box that contains Brooks’ penis?

I can’t wait until Nate comes back. Until then, Nate. Until then!

 

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