The Bachelorette Recap: Das Es Not Gut

Desiree Hartsock The Bachelorette two on one date

So, what do you guys use when you get that not-so-fresh feeling?

Guys, I’m in a bad spot. I’m having a pretty serious case of The Bachelorette burnout: side effects include drinking a shit ton of Chardonnay, wearing wife beaters, and talking to those around me in really cheesy platitudes. I know, I know! What’s next? Coffee will lose its cool buzz that makes my children bearable? Wine will begin to taste nonalcoholic? Pizza will lose its ability to make me feel funny in the nethers (damn, it’s good)? I’ve actually even considered jumping ship to watch that show where a bunch of naked people get dropped off on an island to fend for themselves. Naked people of ye old average variety are funny. This season of The Bachelorette is decidedly not…for the most part. Most of these guys are sharts on the underpants of society. That being said, I’ll try my best to pick out some of the highs (and lows) from last night’s episode.

  • Producers decided that there was to be a uniform worn this year. On top of only being able to wear neon tank tops with matching neon shorts, all men must wear hoodies whilst in Munich.
  • Chris trying to pronounce the name of that German hotel almost made me laugh. Almost.
  • I usually love when these folks break script to do something on the show, but Bryden’s decision to find Desiree to dump her while she was on a date was about as douchey as that Julius Caesar hairdo he wore at the beginning of the season. Dude, take your shitty hair, bad style, and don’t come back now, ya hear?
  • Where do I find a wine glass as big as that beer stein? Seriously.
  • I hate those two-on-one dates and find them so tiresome, but that scene where Ben and Michael find out was priceless…just priceless. Michael’s hair looked like my 90-year-old grandma after leaving the hair salon, while Ben stewed while swirling his Chardonnay. Between the two of them, they might have had one testicle.
  • Zak looks like Miley Cyrus in about 50 years and it ain’t pretty. I do love, however, that he made the stereotypical priesthood-to-Bachelorette-wearing-a-banana-hammock transition.
  • Chris, while cute, is a super wank. If I heard one more time how he could tell Des loved him through her kisses and her eyes, I was going to reach through the TV and grab him by his well coiffed hair.
  • “Love is like sledding down this hill.” Don’t even know who said it, but they deserve to die.
  • Did anyone else think it was hilarious that the guys were all huddled together under blankets in the snow cave? I’ll bet they were all offering money to James for his super gay eternity scarf that he refuses to take off.
  • Hot tub in a lake? That’s almost enough to get me in a hot tub. Almost. If someone could just guarantee me there would be no one else’s pubes floating in there.
  • Des told them she didn’t want to put them through a cocktail party. The cocktail parties are probably the one thing keeping them from eating their own limbs from sheer boredom. Girl, in the words of my sweet P!nk, let’s get this party started…already!

So that’s all I got. What did you think?

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