The Bachelorette Recap: Salty Mimes And A Sexually Ambiguous Pantsapreneur Take Marseilles

Andi Dorfman

Hey, ABC, this whole season of The Bachelorette is one, big bleachable moment. I am in search of those Men in Black laser guns so I can have the whole thing erased from my mental hard drive. I’d give anything to have those two hours back last night but I’d probably just watch some other super trashy show. I know I’m in the minority in this, but I can’t stand Andi. The annoying cadence of her voice and her attempt at constant bedroom eyes make me super stabby. On the bright side, Marseilles is now on my bucket list. If I encounter any mimes, however, I will shoot first and ask questions later. Scary, silent motherfuckers. Nobody likes a clown, especially a quiet one.

Did anyone else laugh when Josh tried to claim he left baseball because he wanted a family? Yeah, that’s a huge reason a lot of people walk away from a shot at the majors. NOT! Pull my other leg and it plays “Jingle Bells,” k, Josh? He sure is cute, though, and it’s very obvious Andi has a case of the raging thigh sweats whenever she’s around him. I’m not quite sure I’m buying what he’s selling, though.

The date with Brian was, in a word, AWKWARD. It’s not a stretch to see a guy struggle in the kitchen (my own husband is a hopeless case), but he acted like a monkey who’d been the victim of extensive animal testing. Chop the carrots, dude! It’s not rocket science. As for frog legs, you could waterboard me for days and I still wouldn’t eat them. And the whole kiss me/don’t kiss me game of chicken they were playing was downright painful. I’d rather watch snails have sex.

No cocktail party! What a shocker! NOT. ABC is onto the fact that this season is more boring than bringing your Mormon grandma to Vegas. The new motto is “let’s pretend this never happened so we can get to the TV magic that will be Bachelor In Paradise“. Even Chris Harrison hasn’t tried to pull our leg by claiming this is “most dramatic rose ceremony next,” as he knows we’re too savvy for that bullshit. The only surprise was that Cody (Baby Huey on steroids) got the final rose, so he’ll be looking for the closest Gold’s Gym in Venice.

I guess I will make it through the rest of this season by anesthetizing with wine. Bring on Bachelor In Paradiseas that is going to be one hot mess. In other words, it will be amazing.



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