The Facetime Effect

Is it just me or can we all agree that we look like sweaty mutants with facial warts and fuzzy hair on Facetime? I know, I know, there are more important things going on in life, like the presidential election and, of course, the bacon shortage, but this has been bugging me for a while. Last night, my in-laws called to talk via Facetime, and it was like looking in a fucking circus mirror. As if Facetime isn’t already a huge cluster-eff, with kids yelling, dogs barking, and me trying like hell to get their faces into that tiny little hole for the camera. Then I caught a glimpse of myself and nearly shit my pants. I look like that? Like, really? C’mon!

In my mind, I somehow envision this:

Sofia Vergara

Okay, so the boobs may be a bit exaggerated, but…

Photo Courtesy of

Keep laughing. Seriously, go ahead. I like to dream big.

On screen, this is what I see:

Eric Stolz in Mask

Oh, hell no!

Gah! Please tell me this is the Bizarro Me, and even then, I’d hate that ugly bitch.  As I try to hide my waddle and do that thing to my neck where there are no wrinkles, I have to wonder if everyone else feels the same. The most horrible realization is when you look at the people you’re talking to and realize, “Holy shit, that’s what they look like in real life.” Then you know you’re totally and utterly screwed.  Time to get another glass of wine, and stock up on some bacon.


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  1. Roy says:

    But the kids look great, why dont we???? Wait till your our age. By then face time will be obsolete.

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