10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Welcome to Weenie World

This tie DOES look great with my shirt.

This tie DOES look great with my shirt.

Forgive my absence this season thus far but I’ve been “oot and aboot,” as our girl Kaitlyn might say. I do dig me some Kaitlyn but she’s been a bit more of a snooze than I had hoped. I did have quite a few laughs at others’ expense last night, which is what you have to do when you watch The Bachelorette. I’m sorry, but it’s absolutely mandatory that you laugh AT these people lest you think any of this shit is real. Last night’s episode finally kicked it into medium gear, and here are 10 things I learned from the episode:

1. When Clint said that he and JJ are “best, best, best, best best friends” and “very, very, very, very, very close,” do you think he was trying to tell Kaitlyn something? Wake up and smell the summer sausage, girlfriend! I loved his comment as he made his dramatic exit: “That tie goes really well with that shirt.” BURN! That must have been one of the “power moves” he mentioned–that and he’s a whiz at “hide the pickle”.

2. To borrow a quote from one of my fave movies, Clueless, I’m pretty sure each and every dude on this show but maybe Justin are “disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?” Instead of a rap battle, they should have had a West Side Story-battle.

3. A disloyal dick who listens to show tunes might be the best thing anyone can say about JJ. At least he slapped himself in the face–he must have known the rest of America wanted to do that.

4. Did anyone else think it was a bit suspicious when no one challenged the black guy in the rap battle? I call RACISM! The best part about that is the guy sounded whiter than Spongebob Squarepants during his battle.

5. In what world is Doug E. Fresh a legend? In some parallel universe where coral striped shirts and coral pants are acceptable on a dude?

6. Nick Viall is indeed an awesome villain so I’m glad he’s here to add some pizazz to this somewhat vanilla season. Most of the dudes were pissed but Justin said he wasn’t going to let some schmo “detour” him from what he was there to do…which was apparently not to be the smart guy on this season of  The Bachelorette. Maybe you shouldn’t have taken that detour away from school, Dude.

7. Looking at the guys gather in that room to talk about the arrival of The Nick of Doom was like looking at a Lululemon ad. And that ain’t good.

8. Britt talking about her relationship with Brady as the credits rolled was perhaps the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen on this show, and I’ve seen a lawt.

9. Crazy Ashley was back! YES! Please, pretty please with kooky sugar on top, can the producers give her a cameo in every episode? Like her popping out of the bushes as people are making out or showing up as a server on a date or as their masseuse during a couples massage? Please, please, please–America NEEDS more Ashley. I thought for sure she was going to scald Kaitlyn’s skin off with that curling iron and feed it to the client next to her. Instead, she tried to apply some Ashley logic which actually seemed like she was answering some other question than the one she was actually asked. Love you, Ash. Don’t go changing. In other words, don’t stop ingesting those bath salts.

10. Cupcake: “I love Aladdin. I am Aladdin.” In the history of weenie statements on this show, I can declare with 100% certainty that was the weeniest.

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