Things The Elf on the Shelf Would Say

It’s that time of year again. You find yourself in one of three camps as a parent: The No Elf Family (mad props, yo). The Reluctant Elf Family (forgets to move the damn thing every day; this is my camp). And the Balls-to-the-Wall Family. This post is for you ballers, as the things you do with that elf are astounding and, frankly, a little disturbing. And, you know what, if the Elf on the Shelf could talk, I think he’d have some things to say:
 elf porn
No means no.
Oh, on the mantel again? Yawn.
It’s called an alarm, lame-brains. Use it.
I can’t do this without a condom.
You’re really sick, you know that?
Your kids are still assholes. 
Your shelves would never pass a white glove test.
I saw Mommy boinking Santa Claus. 
More Barbie. Less Ken.
Skinemax again? Bow chicka bow wow.
Watch where you’re touching, Buddy. 
You think clowns are scary? Have you even seen my face?
Your excuses for me not flying are getting lamer by the day.
Don’t you dare try that frozen Elf in a cup/Elsa shit.
Next year, we elves are going to unionize.
You know how dogs like to lift their legs on shit? Put me higher, asshole.
Missionary again? Hey, you’re the one who put me in your bedroom. 
The amount of nose-picking that happens in this house is astounding.
No, not the toilet! I’m begging you.
Actually, I prefer vodka but this’ll do.
We could really benefit from a “safe word.” 
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