Three Moms I Could Live Without

someecards baby names

Bitch Session

Yesterday, I caught wind of some Mommy Wars going on over at one of my fave blogs, Mary Tyler Mom. Apparently, she posted a tongue-in-cheek e-card from another blog about the whole WAHM vs. SAHM mom thing, and the vitriol spread like wildfire. Can’t we all just get along? Ya know, it takes a village and all that. I’m not one to judge whether you should work or stay at home, and so many of us don’t have a choice in the matter, anyway. That being said, when it comes to hanging with other moms, I do love that it is a free country, so I get to choose the type of Mothren I prefer. And you may not prefer me — to each her own. It’s probably why I don’t like Mommy Groups, for instance. If the only thing I’ve got in common with the woman next to me is that we both had babies burst out of our nether regions like slippery little balls of slime, then it’s going to be a long day. Moms Who Like Wine? Moms Who Tell Dirty Jokes? Moms Who Sometimes Think Their Kids Are Little Asshats? Now those are some groups I could get behind. If I’m being honest, I prefer other moms like myself — slightly slouchy, definitely imperfect, and sort of figuring this whole mothering thing out “on the job,” as they say. I’m probably not going to want to hang with one of the following:

The Reasoner:

I first encountered The Reasoner in the waiting room of my doctor’s office while I was pregnant. She had two kids and one in the oven, so I say kudos to her for the fact that she was still standing. But the way she spoke to her two boys just made my skin itch — giving long explanations as to why things were so, and why they couldn’t go play in the parking lot, and why they shouldn’t jump on the waiting room furniture. I couldn’t help but think that she should a) keep her explanations to a minimum, as these were not 40-year-olds dressed in toddler clothing and b) when they whined in response take a page from Dr. Evil’s playbook with a “Zip it.” “Zip.” “Zip zip zip.” The End. Yeah, so I’m a little judgy. Don’t judge me for that.

The Passive Aggressive Beeyatch

Luckily, I don’t know many of these, but I’ve encountered a few, and do my best to make sure I’m busy the next time they want some play-date action. They’re the type of moms who like to get in their little digs, but only through the back door. I’ll give you something through your back door, lady, and it ain’t gonna be pretty either! Still wondering what I’m talking about? It goes something like this:

P.A. Mom: Oh, you give your kids apple juice, even after what Dr. Oz said about it containing so much arsenic?

Dumb Ass Me: Who’s this Dr. Oz and why is he talking about poisonous apple juice?

P.A. Mom: (chuckle chuckle chuckle) Oh well, I’m sure it’s fine since I see you doing it all the time and your kids are okay? (Yes, that question mark is there on purpose)

The Cutesie Mom:

Everyone knows this one — she looks cute. Her kids look cute. Her house looks cute. Her dogs look cute. Her car looks cute. The food she serves look cute. It’s all cute, cute, cute. Even when her kids are in the throws of the stomach flu, they’ve got their designer duds on. Blergh. But most importantly, these moms tend to give their kids names with cutesie spellings. Names are a complicated animal, and very, very subjective. There are children’s names I don’t like, and I can guarantee there are people who don’t like my boys’ names (my husband may be one) but — please — for the love of all things holy — do not give your child a cutesie spelling. If I find out your child’s name is Mykhol, or Lind-Z, or Jenniphur, we absolutely cannot be friends. I’m sorry. We just can’t. I’d prefer that you named your child Hashtag like this brilliant young woman. #notqualifiedtobeamom

Judge ye lest not ye be judged. Eh, who cares.

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. MissDivaBeth says:

    This is a simply divine read Marnie!!!
    Thanks for the giggles :)

  2. Sheila says:

    Marnie,
    Great one! So true and seriously funny, thanks for a good chuckle mid week
    XO

  3. Ok – I think we have to name our next child Jenniphur. Or Jenafur. So many new options to consider.

    I hate play dates. I do work so it makes it hard to have them and I feel terrible and guilt because I have to take off from work and then while I might enjoy the company of the other mom, I just feel bad that I can’t do more stuff like that with the kids more often.

    It results in a lot of guilt, self-hatred and drinking too much coffee.

    I am all for play dates if the mom wants to get drunk. That would be more my speed.
    Kiran

  4. juliezell says:

    So, when are you coming to another one of my wine filled playdates where we drink in the kitchen while the kids tear apart the playroom (aka front half of my house)? it’s been far too long! :)

  5. sandy says:

    Now….this is why we’re friends. Love it.

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