Welcome to My Sick And Twisted Parenting Lexicon

I’ve mentioned before that my mind is a cold, dank place where things go bump in the night, mostly ’cause I’m an insomniac. The other night, I was up thinking about the kids, and it hit me that I’ve begun to develop a language of my own. I keep a notepad by my bed because counting sheep is about as useful as a bleeding hemorrhoid. Here were a few that sprung to mind but feel free to share your own:

1. Doorgasm: That feeling of sweet release you get when you shut the door of the kids’ bedrooms after FINALLY getting them to sleep. YES! YES! YES! A thousand times yes. Anyone got a cigarette?

2. Popaganda: The absolute sh*t your husband tries to feed your kids when you’re out on a girls night. “Dad is the best. Dad is the best. Dad is the best. Repeat after me.” Save it, Pops. The kids are all about their mommy.

3. Fauxn Call: When you see that mom at school…the one who’s been trying super duper hard to get your child to have a playdate with her little booger-picking, name-calling little dick…and you pretend you’re on the phone. “A dozen eggs?” you say. “Sure, honey, I’ll pick that up on the way home.” If she knew you at all she’d know this was oh-so-faux because your husband doesn’t cook for shit but, hey, you do what you gotta do.

4. Peek-a-Pooh: No, not the cute game you play with a baby. This is that glance you give the toilet when you get the call to wipe your child’s buns. It’s a compulsion to want to know what you’re dealing with and how bad it’s gonna be.

5. Fluicide: That feeling when everyone in your house has it coming out of both ends and you’re pretty sure death is the better option.

6. Parent-noia: That feeling you get that everyone around you is silently judging you for everything you’re doing. And they probably are.

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What? No, seriously – what?

7. Hide-n-leak: The inevitability that, even if you get both kids to go the bathroom before you leave your house, they WILL have to go when you get to the park. Yeah, I guess we could actually find a bathroom but I’ve got two boys and ain’t nobody got time for that.

8. DeNiAl: When your kids begin to misbehave in a public place and you gradually begin to put some distance between you and them, hoping others will take your eye-roll to mean they are not your kids. If asked if they are, you reply, “Like in the biological sense?” and run like hell.

 9. One-hatey: Not a 180, but a one-hatey. It’s that thing you do when you turn away from your kids to mouth a Tourettes-like rant of profanity that would put Deb from Dexter to shame (you have to be a Dexter fan to get that one).
10. Check-nesia: Those nights you go out and throw back one too many and you talk to the babyshitter like shish and the next day you have to look at your checkbook to see how much you gave her. It’s usually too much but, then again, this is hush money we’re talking about.
Breaking Bad gif

My check-nesia reaction…

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